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THE 


VALUE OF X 


A Commencement Play in Three Acts 
and a Prologue 


By EDITH F. A. U. PAINTON 

Author of “The Prize Essay” 



BECKLEY-CARDY COMPANY 
CHICAGO 




PS 2531 

. f\7Jt VZ 


Copyright, 1916, by 
BECKLEY-CARDY COMPANY 



DEC 26 1916 

©OLD 45899 

I'M) | i 



CHARACTERS 


Professor S. B. Schuyler 
Miss Henrietta Irving. .. 
Mademoiselle Fleurette . 
Mrs. Samantha Green. .. 
The Seniors:— 

David Farrington ... 

Harvey Goodell. 

Lawrence Leonard .. 

Ira Self. 

Roger Haynes. 

Mildred Spencer_ 

Josie Stockbridge ... 

Edith Austin. 

Lenore Carroll. 

Melchisedek Green.. 


.. The Principal 

. The English Teacher 

. The French Teacher 

. Mother of Melchisedek 

. The Class President 

. The Class Orator 

. The Class Dreamer 

. The Class Dude 

. The Class Capitalist 

. The Class Beauty 

. The Class Gossip 

. The Literary Maid 

The Junior Interrogation Point 
. A Freshman — X, “It” 


Time: Nineteen Hundred and Now 
Place: Here, There, or Anywhere 
Time of Playing: Two Hours 


[ 3 ] 
















SYNOPSIS 

The Introduction of X 
The Elimination of X 
The Value of X 


PROLOGUE 

Salutatory 

Act I. The Problem Presented 
Act II. The Problem Augmented 
Act III. Tlw Problem Solved 


COSTUMES 

Modern, as to taste. Mademoiselle Fleurette, very dainty 
and stylish in appearance. Mrs. Green, ludicrous country get- 
up. Melchisedek, very fat make-up, with checked suit, gaudy 
tie, hose,, etc. 


[ 4 ] 



THE VALUE OF X 

PROLOGUE 

Salutatory 

{Spoken before curtain by Edith Austin.) 

In Blankville lies the scene; the time, to-day; 

The players, in fantastical array, 

Half fact, half fancy, led by mischief’s elves, 

Are we—the Class of 19—, ourselves; 

The Prologue, too, not rhymed for vulgar gain, 

Is brought to you, the first-fruits of our brain. 

So much, kind friends, my classmates bid me state 
Of what we have for you to-night in wait. 

So much for that, then!—while one word I add 
That’s half a joyous word, and half a sad; 

And that is this: this farce of ours to-day 
Is the last role our class can ever play! 

And why ? Because, when from this stage we pass, 
We ’ll nevermore on earth meet as a class; 

Each one must struggle onward, all alone, 

To fight the world and win it for his own; 

Each one must turn from all his school-day strife 
To solve the problems in the school of life! 

And so, as in a fanciful conceit, 

The story of school frolics we repeat, 

And many facts and fancies bring to vex 
The mind that seeks the value of this “X,” 
Remember, half is earnest, half is play, 

While we are likewise all half sad, half gay. 

[5] 


6 


THE VALUE OF X 


This speech, kind friends, forget just when you may, 
For, truly, it is quite too long to say; 

And so, I mean to add just one word more, 

The sweet word, Welcome! And though o’er and o’er 
We might repeat it, we could not express 
The welcome that each glad face must confess. 

We ’ll do our best to act such parts to-night 
As you may see and hear with true delight; 

We ’ll do our very prettiest to repay 
You all for coming, sure that you will say 
That we’ve done well, and honored this old hall— 
For which we thank you! Welcome! Welcome all! 


ACT I 

Scene: Professor Schuyler’s office. Desk at center hack , 
chair and blackboard behind it. Four chairs of various 
kinds on left side of room. Waste-paper basket at right 
of desk. Large hassock in front of desk. Divan at right. 
Entrances at right and left. 

Ira and Roger are discovered seated on divan. As curtain 
rises Harvey is discovered taking a seat between them. 

Enter Edith, Left. 

Edith. That’s right, Harvey. Be sure and keep those pugi¬ 
lists properly separated. Aren’t you fellows ever going 
to “kiss and make up?” [Walks behind desk to black¬ 
board.] Girls never fight that way. 

[Begins to scribble on board the old stanza: 

“Let dogs delight to bark and bite , 

For ’tis their nature to; 

Lei little kittens quarrel and fight , 

For God, has made them so; 


THE VALUE OF X 


7 


But, children, you should never let 
Your angry passions rise; 

Your little hands were never made 
To tear each other’s eyes.” 

Takes plenty of time at this, pauses now and then to erase 
errors or to look at hoys over shoulder. The dialogue 
goes on uninterruptedly, the others not paying any atten¬ 
tion to her action.] 

Ira. No, they just use their tongues! [Edith turns and 
sticks out tongue at him. He looks at hoys triumphantly, 
and they grin and nod.] But I’d be decent if Haynes 
would! 

Roger. Nonsense! I never have the least sign of trouble 
with anybody else. It ’s all Self. 

Ira [springing up]. I say it’s you! 

Roger [springing up]. And I say it ’s you! 

Ira [shaking fist]. You! 

Roger [shaking fist]. You! 

Ira [advancing on him]. You ’d better take— 

Roger [advancing and interrupting]. And you’d better 
stop— 

Harvey [stepping between them]. That’s enough, boys! 
Cut it out! It’s always best not to start anything you 
can’t finish! 


Enter Dave, Left. 

Dave. Which of these fellows is in training for the ring? 

Harvey. Both, from all present appearances. Say, Far¬ 
rington, if we had our electrical machine here, you could 
take one by the ear [takes hold of Ira’s ear, while Dave 
takes hold of Roger’s], and I could take the other by the 
ear — [Ira and Roger scream ]— Shocking, eh? 

Edith. It would possibly cure them of their game-cock 
tendencies, anyway! 


8 


THE VALUE OF X 


Dave. Yes, just as it cured Goodell cf parting his hair in the 
middle. 

Harvey. Cut it! 

Dave [innocently] . Your hair? Now, have I ever said one 
word about taking up the barber’s trade? It does need 
cutting, but— [ Shakes head, then turns to Ira and 

Roger, who are still glaring at each other.] Better go 
’way back and sit down, little boys. We can’t stand for 
that sort o’ thing in this class, you know. 

[Boys resume seats reluctantly. Harvey and Dave cross 
to Left.] 

Ira [while taking seat]. Just as you say, of course, Farring¬ 
ton, but really, now, I think— 

Harvey [sitting on bench, L.]. Don’t! Thinking is against 
the rules of this institution. Not allowed under any cir¬ 
cumstances. [Dave sits by him.] 

Edith [turning from board and pointing to verse, which she 
has now completed] . There’s your lesson for to-day, 
little boys! I would advise you to. study it well. 

Roger } Hum P h! 

Enter Josie, Left. 

Josie. Everybody here? 

Dave. Everybody except the ones who are somewhere else! 

Josie. I wonder what Professor Schuyler wanted us all to 
meet here for! [Pause. No answer.] Nobody know? 

Roger [giggling]. Perhaps he does! 

[Josie walks to desk, seats herself in the Professor’s 
chair, and fingers pencils, papers, etc., while she 
talks.] 

Josie. I think he wants to advise us! 

All [perplexed]. Advise ? 


THE VALUE OF X 


9 


Enter Mildred, Left. 

Mildred. To what do we owe the honor? 

[Boys all rise, each eagerly offering her his seat.] 

Edith. Just what we were wondering, Mildred. [Sits on 
hcussock, front of desk.] 

[Mildred accepts Dave’s seat with sweet smile. The 
others resume seats disappointed. Dave crosses to 
R., sits between Ira and Roger.] 

Josie. About our future, you know! What we are going to 
do, and all that! 

Ira. More likely he’s going to lecture us. 

Harvey [in consternation]. Lecture us? — us? But why? 

Who’s been doing what? [Looks around inquiringly.] 
All. Not guilty! 


Enter Lawrence, Left. 

Lawrence. I hain’t be’n doin’ nothin’, but I won’t do it no 
more! 

Edith. Except murdering the English language! 

Dave. And smashing all the ten commandments of gram¬ 
mar ! But, see here, Lawrence, where’s Prof. ? 

Lawrence. Prof.? [Begins to search pockets.] I declare, 
now—did I lose that man somewhere on the street? 
Prof.! Prof.! Where are you, Prof.? [Turns pockets 
inside out , shakes kerchief, etc.] Not there! Must be 
lost, strayed, or stolen! Have to advertise! [Sighs rue¬ 
fully; sits chair, L.] 

Josie [pounds on desk with pencil ]. But listen to me! 
There’s all kinds of news afloat! Professor Mason has 
resigned;—Miss Cameron’s going to Lincoln;—there are 
ten new Preshies enrolled this week from goodness knows 
where, when, how, or why;—we ’re going to have a test 
in psychology to-morrow— 

All. To-morrow! 


10 


THE VALUE OF X 


Josie. Don’t interrupt! ’T is n’t good manners! The Jun¬ 
iors are planning a big excursion up the river, picnic at 
Central Park, and return by moonlight— 

All. When ? 

Josie. Didrpt I tell you not to interrupt? Of course, if you 
don’t want to hear the news— 

All. But— 

Josie. You needn’t listen! 

All. We do! 

Josie. Well, why didn’t you give me time to get to the 
11 when, ’ ’ then ? It’s going to be on the eighteenth— start 
from the North Bridge at 7— 

Roger. A. M. ? 

Ira. Or P. M. ? 

Josie. Humph! [Drops book with crash.] I give it up! 

Edith. “The flow of inspiration dies 

As stormy floods of flame arise.” 

Mildred [haughtily]. I do wish, Edith, you would rid your¬ 
self of that disagreeable habit of incorrect quotation. If 
you can’t be original, be—nothing! 

Josie. That’s me! 

Edith. But that was original. Think anybody else could 
throw such stuff together ? 

Josie. 0 say! The Sophomores are going to elect a new 
president. 

All. Who? 

Josie. I suppose you mean “Whom?” They want Jim 
Harrison. 

Harvey. Do the Sophs know they want him ? 

Josie. Of course. He told them so. 

Mildred. What they can possibly want of that vulgar boy— 

Josie. Listen! Have you seen the new French teacher? 
She’s adorable! The Board hired her just to give us the 
genuine Parisian accent, you know, and she accepted so 
we could give her the genuine American slang, you see, 
and— 


THE VALUE OF X 


11 


Edith. What ’s her name ? 

Josie. I was just getting to that! It’s Mademoiselle Fleu- 
rette. Front name unknown. But, say, she’s a regular 
wax doll, and the swellest thing outside of La Mode you 
ever heard of in the fashion line! 

Roger. She means clothes-line, fellows! 

Josie. But say, classmates, honestly now, isn’t it about time 
we were talking of our future prospects. If you expect 
me to write a prophecy, for goodness sake, give me some 
sort of a thread to spin a decent yarn out of! 

Dave. But what ’s a prophet for if not to tell us what we 
don’t know about the days to be ? 

Edith. “To be or not to be, that is the question!” 

Harvey. But Josie’s right! We ought to begin to think 
just a little, when the longed-for, dreaded day is only 
three little months ahead! 

Edith ] 

Lawrence [together] . Longed-for ? 

Dave J 

Josie I 

Roger L [ together] . Dreaded ? 

Ira 

Mildred. Speak for yourself, Harvey. 

Harvey. Exactly, classmates, exactly. Both longed-for and 
dreaded. Do we not all long with an unspeakable long¬ 
ing for the day of our emancipation— [Rises while speak¬ 
ing ,, gesturing elaborately, and speaking with exaggerated 
emphasis] —the day of unalloyed, unadulterated free- 
dom—freedom from study, from examinations, from con¬ 
stant, unrelieved supervision and domination? [Looks 
around group challenging a denial.] 

Josie 1 

Roger l [together] . We do! 

Ira J 


12 


THE VALUE OF X 


Mildred. Roger and Ira actually on the same side of the 
fence! 

Dave [with great show of anxiety]. Do you both feel well, 
boys? 

Lawrence. Say, Goodell, do all those big jaw-breakers mean 
Miss Irving ? 

Dave. They do, little boy! 

Lawrence. I ’ll make a note of them. [Takes note-book and 
pencil from pocket and writes busily whenever Harvey 
gets off a big word.] 

Harvey [ignoring interruption]. And yet, "to the contrary, 
notwithstanding,” is there one single one among us who 
does not dread with an undeniable, unquenchable dread, 
the black hour of our inevitable separation; the time 
when no more about the campus will our lightsome voices 
ring; the days when our faithful instructors will listen 
in vain for our ever-ready and ever-competent, and 
all-wise responses in the classroom ? Do we not all dread 
the plunge into the cold and untried world—the inevita¬ 


ble— 


Lawrence. You said "inevitable” once before, Harvey. 

Harvey [glaring at him]. —unavoidable battle with the 
valiant, vital forces of actual endeavor—the contest of 
strenuous, indomitable life in the world of desperate and 
daring men ? Do we not, I say ? 



Lawrence. Don’t know what you ’re driving at with all that 
rigmarole, Goodell, but if Dave does, I guess I do, too! 

Ira. You sure are some orator, Goodell. Where do you get 
wise to all that dope ? 

Dave. Yes, you do yourself and the class great credit, my 
son! 

Josie. But he makes us work our brains overtime to under¬ 
stand what he’s trying to say. 


THE VALUE OF X 


13 


Harvey [bowing to each in turn with exaggerated grace and 
courtesy]. Thank you, one and all. My father used to 
be an insurance agent! 

Dave. But, seriously, boys and girls, I’ve been thinking a 
whole lot lately about our future prospects—• 

Lawrence. Ahem! 

Dave [calmly]. I’ve been wondering where we would all be, 
and what we would all be, in, say, twenty or thirty years 
from now. 

Ira. That ’s dead easy. All old men and women—in the 
poorhouse! 

Roger. Or the pen! 

Ira. I hope you mean nothing personal, Roger Haynes! 
[ Rises indignantly. ] 

Roger [rising excitedly]. If the cap fits, you may put it on, 
Ira Self! 

Ira. If anybody in this bunch finds the pen, I could put my 
finger on the lad right now! [All rise excitedly, watch¬ 
ing the fray.] 

Roger. So could I, if I wanted to soil it! 

Ira [shaking fist]. You’d better— 

Roger [shaking fist] . And you ’d better— 

Dave [stepping between them]. And you’d both better— 
sit down and cool off. [Pushes them into seats and sits 
between them.] No more war here. We ’re for arbitra¬ 
tion. [All sit.] 

Edith. Is n’t war a terrible thing ? 

Josie. Should say so. Wars make history, and don’t you 
just hate history? If it wasn’t for war now— 

Dave. Well, if you boys are out of danger again, let’s try 
and be serious for half a minute and unburden our 
minds. I declare I Ve been so busy studying— 

Lawrence. Grinding! 

Dave. That I’ve only been half a president, and haven’t 
had a chance to hear half your plans. When I was first 


14 


THE VALUE OF X 


elected president, Professor Schuyler says to me, “Far¬ 
rington, it means something to be president. It makes 
you responsible for that subtle thing known as the 
‘ standard of the class. ’ What you stand for, the class as 
a whole will stand for! ’ ’ I ’ve thought about that a lot, 
and wished I was worthy. Anyway, let’s be alive, and 
try to take a little human interest in one another. What 
does everybody intend to do, anyway? [Looks around 
at each, inquiringly. Nobody speaks. All busy think¬ 
ing.] Well? [Still silence.] Don’t all speak at once. 
It might shatter my nerves. 

Josie. Suppose you open the meeting yourself, Dave. Wait 
till I get my note-book and pencil out, for I’m going to 
need this dope for my prophecy. 

Mildred. Why, you aren’t going to tell the truth in that 
prophecy, are you? 

Josie. Sure, if I can get next to any! Drive on, Dave. 

Dave. Why, I—I— 

Lawrence. Drive on, Mr. President. You ’re in for it all 
right now. Own up to your dark and deadly plots. 

Dave. 0 well! I don’t know as I mind. Father says I 
must go to college, and give the wise men there a chance 
to make a wonderful, wonderful something or other out 
of me. I Ve been a drag on the family purse a long 
time, but he insists on giving me this much more. But I 
don’t know— [Sighs.] I don’t believe the fellow’s 
who translated the Bible got that passage just right. It’s 
the need of money, not the love of it, that’s the “root of 
all evil.” 

■Roger [with superior air]. I never noticed it. 

Ira. Poor Roger! If his dad’s coin should ever strike in 
on him, he’d be sure to die of gold fever on the brain. 
Most of us notice it only too keenly, don’t you know ? 

Dave [hastily, fearing trouble]. How about your “sweet 
bye-and-bye, ’ ’ Goodell ? 


THE VALUE OF X 


15 


Harvey. Not in a position to state, Farrington. Can’t 
count my coin until I procure another penny to jingle 
with the one in my pocket now Then I ’ll know that one 
and one make two. But—0 what’s the use? My ambi¬ 
tion is to be a lawyer— 

Roger. Wondered why you were practicing the lie so much, 
Goodell! 

Lawrence. That J s what’s hatched out all those jaw-crack¬ 
ing words, eh? 

Enter Mademoiselle Fleurette, Eight. All rise. 

Mdlle. Fleurette [uncertainly, looking around]. Is Mon¬ 
sieur Schuy-ler— 

Harvey. Not yet! 

Mdlle. Fleurette. In the—leebra-ree—maybe so—Oui? 
(pronounced “we.”) 

Dave. Maybe he—but not we! 

Mdlle. Fleurette. 0 dees Engleesh,—it ees such a funni¬ 
ness—but it is so—delightsome to see so many pupils of 
me—all so busy— [uses many gestures] — 

Josie. Busy? Not guilty! 

Mdlle. Fleurette [innocently]. Geelty? 0 no, no, no! You 
notbegeelty! You are alive children—bon! Aurevoir! 
I find heem! [Bows low with much smiling and exits E.] 

Josie. Isn’t she too delicious? Well, let’s proceed with our 
proceedings, I’m getting a fine start on my prophecy. 
[All resume seats.] 

Ira. Well, then, who’s going to do what? 

Enter Lenore, Left. 


Lenore. Morning! 

Josie. Why, Lenore Caroll, did you know that the new the¬ 
atrical— 


16 


THE VALUE OF X 


Lenore [not heeding]. Where’s Professor? 

Lawrence. Search me! 

Dave. No use, Lawrence. Your own search was quite con¬ 
vincing. 

Lenore. What are all you Seniors doing here? 

Harvey. Sitting. 

Lenore [impatiently]. But why? [Pause. All shake heads.] 
Having a meeting? [All nod.] What for? [All shake 
heads.] Going to have a picnic? [All shake heads.] 
Party? [All shake heads.] Play? [All shake heads.] 
Game? [All shake heads.] Dance? [All shake heads.] 
Then what in the world—Oh, I bet I know! You’re 
having an election! [All shake heads.] 0 well, if you 
don’t want to tell, you need n’t. It’s a Senior privilege, 
I suppose! Had your class election? [All nod.] 
Who’s president ? 

All [except Dave, who drops head]. Dave Farrington! 

Lenore. Good work! Didn’t suppose you had sense enough 
to elect him. Is he going to have the valedictory, too? 
[All nod.] Who’s historian? [All shake heads.] 
Haven’t you elected one yet? [All shake heads.] 
Why didn’t you choose one in your Freshman year? 
[All shake heads.] Don’t you think it’s better to have 
them in touch with everything that’s doing through the 
full course ? How many in your class ? 

Mildred. Can’t you count? 

Lenore. What’s the use ? What you don’t know, ask! 
Got a prophet? [All nod toward Josie.] Josie? 
She ’ll be a dandy! She’s the only real human being in 
the bunch of you. Got your dresses ready, girls ? What 
you going to have ? What you going to wear, boys ? 

Harvey. Clothes—if we can manage to raise the price! 

Lenore. Humph! And may a humble-minded Junior ven¬ 
ture to ask— 


THE VALUE OF X 


17 


Dave. All hail to the Junior Interrogation Point! 

Lenore. Gracious! When did you Seniors get so wise? 
What’s an Interrogation Point? 

Lawrence. A little crooked-nosed, big-headed thing that 
asks questions! 

Mildred. But is supposed to put an end to them. Lenore 
never does. 

Josie. It’s always facing the wrong way, too—Junior style, 
you know! 

Harvey. Getting everything started wrong-end to. 

Dave. Going back to the beginning— 

Lawrence. Beginning ? That’s the Freshman class. 

Dave. To ask it all over again. 

Edith. Quite correct. That’s Lenore! 

And we Seniors from her questions, poured upon us by 
the score, 

Shall be rescued—nevermore! 

Lenore. What an Edithic remark! Dear me ! Shall I ever 
be a Senior? Is there any hope for me? Can I live 
through the long year to come? Are Seniors merely 
human ? 

Dave. Question! 

Lenore. Sure enough, it is a question! Who can answer? 

Edith. And Echo answers ‘ ‘ Who ? ’ 9 


Positions of Class are now as follows: 


Right Exit. 


ITra 

Divan Jdave 
Roger 


Left Exit. 

Josie [behind desk] 

Edith [on hassock , front of 
desk ] 

Mildred [easy chair ] 
Lawrence [easy chair] 
Harvey [straight chair] 


18 


THE VALUE OF X 


Lenore stands in center of stage and looks round the group 
scornfully. 


Lenore. Humph! 

[She now points her finger at each in turn, as she goes 
around the circle, speaking hut one word for each, in 
“counting out” style. Begins with Roger, and goes 
around the group twice.] 

Monkey — monkey — barrel — of — beer! — How — 
many — monkeys — are — there — here ? — One — two 
— three — out — goes — 

[As she starts around the circle the second time, each one 
in his turn rises indignantly as she points to her or 
him, and she dodges hack one step at a time, until, 
hy the time she reaches Harvey, on the word “goes,” 
all are standing and make for her threateningly. 
She hacks to Exit L., laughing mockingly. All this 
action must he very rapid and spirited.] 

Lenore. Me! [Bows low, exits Left.] 

Mildred. The’audacious thing! [Resumes seat.] 

Josie [giggling]. Juniors aren’t things, Mildred. Lenore ’s 
feminine—not neuter. [Sits divan.] 

Mildred. No, I suppose we couldn’t properly call her “it.” 
Edith. She thinks she’s “It” all right—like all the Jun¬ 
iors ! [Sits heside Josie on divan.] 

[Ira sits hassock, takes out pocket-mirror and comb, and 
begins to arrange his hair, smooth his face, etc. Har¬ 
vey sits heside Mildred.] 

Dave [taking seat in straight chair heside Harvey]. Well, 
shall we resume the interesting discussion of our impor¬ 
tant selves? 

[Roger goes to resume seat on divan, sees the girls there, 
hows in apology, goes to desk and leans on it,—left 
side. Lawrence goes to resume his seat, sees Harvey 
in it, and drops to floor at Dave’s feet, in lounging 
position.] 


THE VALUE OF X 


19 


Lawrence [lazily]. Steam up, somebody! 

Lave. You seem to have the floor, Roger. How about it? 

Roger. Don’t suppose I ’ll ever do much of anything. 
Won’t have to, you know. May go on Wall Street some¬ 
time with dad. 

Harvey. Well, Self, if you have succeeded in combing your 
charming locks quite to your satisfaction, and in admiring 
your handsome self sufficiently to meet the needs of the 
moment, we’d rather like to hear what you expect to do 
with yourself—as time rolls on. 

Ira [quickly putting comb and mirror in pocket], 0 really 
now, is time going to roll on ? [Rises, smoothing trousers, 
picking off imaginary threads, etc.] 

Harvey. They say so! 

Dave. It seems to be a habit it’s got. 

Josie. Did you think it was going to stop entirely because the 
Class of 19— was to be no more ? 

Ira. [Swaggers down toioard front. Roger takes his seat.] 
Vfell, I think I shall— [hesitates near front, standing and 
looking thoughtfully at floor] —get married! 

Dave. That goes without saying. Were you thinking of 
joining the Mormons and going into the business whole¬ 
sale? 

Ira. Mormons? No! Progressive matrimony is so much 
more interesting, don’t you know, than polygamy! 
That’s really vulgar, don’t you think ? 

Harvey. But what for a business—a living—a career? 

Ira [surprised]. Why, if I marry a rich woman, or two, I— 
I—but I suppose a fellow does need some kind of a pro¬ 
fession, just for the looks of the thing. But I—I—I 
hardly know, don’t you know? I’ve been so busy, you 
see—I really have—that I’ve had no time to consider the 
matter at all. I haven’t, really. Girls do take up so 
much of a fellow’s time, you know! 

Boys [all]. Humph! 


20 


THE VALUE OF X 


Harvey. Strikes me you’d better go in for the medical pro¬ 
fession, Self. All the girls would be crazy to get them¬ 
selves sick or injured so they could have you for their pet 
doctor, and all that sort of thing, you know. 

Ira [walking slowly to him]. Not such a bad idea that, 
Goodell. I ’ll think about it—I really will. [ Goes to 

resume seat, sees Roger has it, and crosses to divan, sitting 
between girls.] 

Dave. I hope he’d know how to keep his patients from catch¬ 
ing whooping-cough! 

Harvey. Probably keep the whole community wearing bags 
of asafoetida round their necks all the time. 

Ira. What’s asafoetida ? 

Josie. Just plain everyday ‘Hetty,” little boy. Like it? 

Ira. Ugh! [With wry face.] 

Dave. Have to wear a clothespin on your nose while it ’s on 
you, you know. And it’s a case of “We never speak as 
we pass by ’ ’ with all your friends. 

Harvey. 0 well, there’s more than one way of preventing 
diseases you don’t know how to cure, Self. Don’t get dis¬ 
couraged. 

Dave. Yes, don’t you remember how Lawrence’s folks kept 
him locked up at home when the measles were in town? 
All the measly boys broke out—but not Lawrence! [Law¬ 
rence pretends to be asleep.] 

Ira. Should say not! ’T would have to be a mighty slow 
disease that Lawrence Leonard could catch! 

Edith [mischievously]. 

The measles were let loose in Blankville, 

Which certainly made Leonard wince; 

But he moved far too slowly to catch them, 

And he hasn’t caught anything since! 

Boys [chanting in concert]. And he hasn’t caught anything 
since! 


THE VALUE OF X 


21 


Mildred. Well, I ’d rather see him that way than with the 
reputation of being too fast for cultured society that some 
boys I know have made for themselves. 

Boys [all bat Lawrence jump up excitedly and face her 
anxiously] . Me ? 

Mildred. 0 nothing personal, boys. Sit down and keep cool. 
Imitate the calm demeanor of Lawrence. A guilty con¬ 
science, you know— 

[ Girls laugh teasingly as boys sit down , looking embar¬ 
rassed. Ira slips behind Roger, and takes hassock. 
When Roger sits , he planks himself down on Ira’s 
lap.] 

Ira. One at a time, Haynes. My turn next. 

Roger [jumping up angrily.] Now see here, if you think I ’ll 
be— 

Ira [jumping up]. And if you think I ’ll let you sit on me— 

Roger. And if you— 

Ira. And if you— 

Josie [takes Ira by arm]. That ’ll do, Ira. Come back and 
behave. 

Mildred. Take your hassock, Roger, and be decent. 

Ira. But he— 

Roger. And he— 

Dave. And we —insist. [Boys sit , glaring at each other.] 

Come, Lawrence, wake up and reveal to us your plans 
for future glory. [Shakes him playfully with foot, but 
Lawrence pretends to be asleep.] 

Ira. Bosh! I ’ll bet all my last year’s examination papers 
that he isn’t going to do anything —if he can get out 
of it! 

IIarvey. Right you are, Ira! That’s Leonard, all right. 
How in the world does he manage to pass his examsJ 
Answer me, somebody! 

Dave [shaking head profoundly]. I give it up! 

Roger. 0 he’s just naturally wise. Born in him! 


22 


THE VALUE OF X 


Dave [sighs]. Wish I was! 

Ira. Yes, if I just hadn’t been born so dreadfully hand¬ 
some— 

All [surprised]. Whew! [He looks around in surprise.] 

Dave. Leonard! [Ao reply.] Leonard! [Still no reply.] 
Leonard, I say! [Kicks him gently with foot.] Lawrence 
Leonard! 

Lawrence [slowly rises , stretching himself lazily]. Did any¬ 
body speak to me ? 

Koger. 0 no! Nobody was even thinking of you. Farring¬ 
ton was just whispering to himself. 

Dave. Well, I like that! 

Lawrence. I don’t. Seems as if you never give a fellow a 
chance to rest a minute. What did you want, anyway ? 

Harvey. Why, we wanted to know what you were going 
to do. 

Lawrence. Do? [All nod.] Me? [All nod.] Well, if that 
ain’t the limit! [Resumes place.] I didn’t intend to do 
anything, if you had only let me alone. [All laugh. He 
looks around in surprise.] Well, what’s the matter now? 

Dave. We were talking of the future, Leonard. What do 
you expect to do with yourself after we graduate? Josie 
wants stuff for her prophecy, and— 

Lawrence. Oh!—that! [Sits up on floor.] Well, I did 
intend to be some sort of a civil engineer—that is, if 1 
didn’t happen to change my mind before I got around to 
doing anything, you know— 

Josie. Lazybones! 

Lawrence [ bows to her]. Thank you! Bnt since I’ve been 
lying here, listening to all of your jabber—pard'on me, I 
mean, of course, your exceedingly interesting conversa¬ 
tion,—is that right, Harvey?—I’ve changed my mind, 
and decided to go into business. 

All [in surprise]. Business? 

Lawrence [nodding lazily]. Business! 


THE VALUE OF X 


23 


Dave. But what? Going on Wall Street with Roger ? 

Lawrence [with grimace]. Not yet! 

All. Then what? 

Lawrence. Speculation. 

Dave. Speculation ? [Boys look at one another wonderingly.] 

Josie [with hook and pencil]. Real estate? 

Lawrence. Nothing like it! [Speaks very slowly and\ teas- 
ingly.] I’ve decided to buy all of you boys for just what 
you ’re really worth— 

Boys [in disgust]. Oh! 

Lawrence. And then — [Pauses and looks around group mis¬ 
chievously .]— 

Girls [eagerly]. And then—? 

Lawrence. Selling them for what they think they ’re worth, 
of course! 

Boys [in disgust]. Oh! 

Lawrence. Easiest way to get rich that I know of! Why, I 
see myself a millionaire riding around in my Cadillac, 
and sailing my private aeroplane through the skies in just 
a few short weeks. Great business that! [Lies back again 
lazily. Boys signal one another, and make a dash for him, 
piling on him, football fashion, and pommeling him 
fiercely.] 


Enter Professor Schuyler, Bight. 

Prof. Schuyler. Well, well! Are you all here? 

All [each jumping up and bowing; boys embarrassed, girls 
amused], I am! 

Prof. Schuyler. Unusual demonstration for my office. A 
little football practice, perhaps ? 

Dave. Er—no—not exactly! You asked to see us all— 

Prof. Schuyler. Yes, yes! I—er—well, be seated— [waving 
hand around room ] anywhere you like. [They resume 
places. Prof. Schuyler goes to desk and sits. ] I thought 
this would be an excellent opportunity to discuss with 


24 


THE VALUE OF X 


you some of our plans for the conclusion of this last year 
of yours—your very last year with us—do you realize it ? 

Josie [dubiously] . If we pass! 

Harvey [confidently]. Oh, we 11 pass! 

Prof. Schuyler. Miss Irving is coming — [Enter Miss Irv¬ 
ing, .Bight.] Yes, here she is now,—and Mademoiselle 
Fleurette, your new French teacher, will look in if pos¬ 
sible. They will outline with you some of the neces¬ 
sary work to be covered before commencement. 

Miss Irving. Yes, Seniors, I have prepared a most exhaustive 
review of the English Authors for these last few weeks. 
This afternoon, we will take up the life of Alfred Tenny¬ 
son. Everybody be ready for some good hard work. 

All [looking at one another in consternation]. Murder! 

[Heavy tramping heard outside.] 

Miss Irving. And to-morrow— 

Prof. Schuyler. One moment, Miss Irving. I hear some¬ 
body at the door. 

Enter Mrs. Green, Left. 

Mrs. Green. Be this the perfesser’s office? 

Prof. Schuyler. Yes, madam, it is. Come right in. 

Mrs. Green. And be you the perfesser ? 

Prof. Schuyler. I am. 

Mrs. Green. Do tell! Who ’d ever have thunk it ? Why, 
you don’t look as if you knew a blamed bit more than I 
do. And goodness knows I couldn’t be perfesser to a 
spotted cat. But I brung my little boy along, perfesser, 
er—er—What ’s-Your-Name— 

Prof. Schuyler [with dignity]. My name is Schuyler, 
madam. 

Mrs. Green [looks around for a chair]. Scholar?—yes, of 
course! But I thought you teaching fellers got over 
being a scholar when you went to perfessering. [Puzzled.] 


THE VALUE OF X 


25 


I s’pose it’s all right. Maybe you know more ’n you 
show up for! I brung my little boy along to go to High 
School. He’s got his stiffcut from our school, ’cause the 
teacher out there said he couldn’t learn him another 
single thing; and now I’m bringing him to you ’cause I 
never had but one in all the world, and I want him to 
learn just everything there is to learn in all the world. 
But [looks all around room, and then leans nearer Prof. 
Schuyler and speaks in confidential tone ] I want you 
should take awful good care of him, and not let him catch 
cold, nor study too hard, or nothing like that; for he 
ain’t never been away from his ma before, and I don’t 
know what’s going to become of him without having 
nobody but you to see after him. You don’t look very 
bright yourself, and if that’s your wife there —[looking 
at Miss Irving, curiously ] 

Miss Irving [hastily]. I ’ll just step into the library, Pro¬ 
fessor Schuyler, until you are at leisure to continue the 
discussion. [Prof. Schuyler hows, in cm fusion, and 
Miss Irving exits R.] 

Prof. Schuyler. That was Miss Irving, the English teacher. 

Mrs. Green. For the land’s sakes! Be this a foreign school ? 
I don’t want my boy to get mixed up with none o’ them 
foreigners. 

Prof. Schuyler. Have no fears, madam. This is an Ameri¬ 
can school. Where is your son, madam? 

Mrs. Green [looks around for chair]. Oh, he’s just outside. 
My name is Green—Mrs. Samantha Caroline Green. I 
was named after my father’s mother and after my 
mother’s mother, too. I was such a sweet little thing, and 
they was both so proud of me. 

Prof. Schuyler. But your soli— 

Mrs. Green [looks around for chair]. Yes, yes! I was 
gittin ’ to him. His name is Melchisedek. It’s a Bible 
name. His pa and me gave him the best name we could 


26 


THE VALUE OF X 


find because we wanted him to be a preacher. But I don’t 
know. The teachers out our way can’t learn him any 
more, and you sure enough don’t look as if you could, 
and— 

Prof. Schuyler. Where is he, madam? 

Mrs. Green. Land’s sakes! Didn’t I tell you he was out¬ 
side ? What a poor rememberer you be! He’s going to 
board with his aunt,—his pa’s half-sister, Emmeline, that 
married Jonas Weatherby,—we’ve got the bargain all 
made. I’m going to give her ten pounds of butter, five 
dozen eggs, and a fat hen every week while he stays. Mel- 
chisedek must have plenty of good feed. It seems like folks 
in town don’t look half-fed. Now, here’s you, looking so 
peaked and skinny— 

Prof. Schuyler. Madam, there is no more time for pre¬ 
liminaries. If you will call in your son, so he can 
register— 

Mrs. Green. 0 yes, sir—yes, sir! I ’ll call him right this 
minute. He’s a little afraid of strangers. [Goes door, L.] 

Josie [to class]. Wonder if she thinks this is a day nursery! 

Mrs. Green [at door, Left. Calls]. Come in, Melchisedek. 
Nobody’s going to hurt you. Don’t act so bashful. 

Enter Melchisedek, grinning bashfully, hands in pockets , 
chewing gum. 

Mrs. Green [leading him to desk. He eyes class as he passes]. 
Here he is, perfesser. Be good to him, won’t you? He ’s 
the only one I ever had in all the world. 

Melchisedek [over shoulder]. Hello, kids! [They grin at 
him.] 

Prof. Schuyler. [Eyes him over spectacles.] Your name, 
please ? 

Mrs. Green. Didn’t I jest tell you? His name is Melchise¬ 
dek—Melchisedek Green. 


THE VALUE OF X 


27 


PftOF. Schuyler [irritated]. Just come around here, Melchis- 
edek, and fill out this blank. [Melchisedek shambles 
around behind desk and sits chair with pen and paper.] 

Mrs. Green. Now, Melchisedek, don’t you go to signing no 
papers till you read ’em. 

Prof. Schuyler. It ’s a mere formality of registration, 
madam,—his name, age, place of birth, parentage, etc. 

Mrs. Green. Humph! I could have told you all that,, just 
as well ’s not, and saved the poor boy all that trouble. 
[Looks at class.] Be these my boy’s classmates? 

Prof. Schuyler. 0 no, no! Those are Seniors. They will 
be this year’s graduating class, if all goes well with them. 

Mrs. Green. Humph! You don’t say! Don’t none of ’em 
look half as smart as my Melchisedek! [Shakes hands 
with Ira.] You ’ll be good to my boy, won’t you? 

Ira. Sure! I won’t hurt him! Haven’t eaten a Freshman 
this year! 

Mrs. Green [shaking hands with Harvey]. And you, too, 
little boy? 

Harvey. Certainly, madam, but I’m no “little boy.” 

Mrs. Green. What in the dickens be you, then? [Harvey 
shrugs shoidders and drops head. Mrs. Green turns to 
Roger.] And you, too, young man? [Speaks the words 
“young man” patronizingly as one indulging a child.] 

Roger [haughtily]. It is not my custom to practice cruelty to 
animals. 

Mrs. Green. But I meant— 

Dave [stepping forward]. Yes, Mrs. Green. We’ll all be 
very, very good to Mel-Mel-Mel— [ hesitates , embarrassed.] 

Mrs. Green. Not Mel—he’s Melchisedek. I won’t have him 
called “Mel,” nor “Melly,” nor no such nickname. We 
never have allowed nothing like that, and never will. 

Dave. I beg your pardon, Mrs. Green. I was only trying to 
recollect the name. It’s such an unusual one— 


28 


THE VALUE OF X 


Mrs. Green [pleased]. Yes, ain’t it, now? Melchisedek in 
the Bible was such a great priest, you know, like we 
wanted our boy to be— 

Melchisedek. Say, ma, where was I born? 

Mrs. Green. Right on the farm, dearie—in the west bedroom 
in the right-hand wing, upstairs. [To Lawrence] You 
look sleepy, young feller. Better take something to wake 
you up. 

Melchisedek. Say, ma, where was you born ? 

Mrs. Green. Missoury,—town o ’ Mulberry,—fifty years ago. 
[Looks at girls critically, one at a time.] Dear me! but 
you are sure the fancy looking girls! I ain’t jest sure I 
like to have my little boy around such swell petticoats. 
[To Josie] You ain’t near so good lookin’ as t’other one, 
be you ? But you may have jest as much in your brains. 

Josie. We ’ll try to take good care of your little boy, Mrs. 
Green. 

Mrs. Green. Yes, I hope you will. If he jest gets enough to 
eat, and keeps himself from ketchin’ cold, I reckon he ’ll 
git along all right. I’m glad I saw what bright looking 
children he’d be runnin’ around with. I won’t be so 
worried about him. [Looks up at clock.] 0 gracious 
sakes! If it ain’t time for me to be gittin’ your pa’s din¬ 
ner on the table this blessed minute, and me fourteen 
miles from the farm without a bell on. I just must hurry 
off. Come and kiss me good-bye, Melchisedek. Ma’s got 
to go. [Melchisedek comes and kisses her; loud smack. 
She wipes eyes on shawl, he also takes out big red hand¬ 
kerchief and wipes eyes, finally blowing nose vigorously.] 
Now, you will be a good boy, won’t you? And always 
keep dressed warm, and eat a-plenty, and—say, hain’t ye 
got another hankerchief in your pocket? [He pulls out 
another and she wipes eyes on it.] 

Prof. Schuyler [coming forward]. I ’ll go down with you, 
Mrs. Green, and show you the Freshman classroom. 


THE VALUE OF X 


29 


[Turns to class.] The Seniors may be excused. [Turns 
to Melchisedek.] Come, Melchisedek. 

[Exeunt Prof. Schuyler, Mrs. Green and Melchis¬ 
edek, C .] 

Seniors spring up in amusement, all excitedly trying to talk 

at once. 

Harvey. Well, what do—you know about that? 

Roger. Great, eh? 

Josie. Some class to that child! 

Edith. “Blessings on thee, little man!” 

Ira. But what is its name ?—Mel-Mel-Mel— 

Dave. No, no, little boy,—not “Mel, Mel, Mel,” at all, under 
any circumstances. It’s—it’s— 

Josie. Some kind of a “deck”—“decks,”—“mex”—I don’t 
know! It would choke me to have to say it often! 

Lawrence. You just sneeze in the middle, and then let go 
quick. 

Harvey. But, if we Ve got to adopt the child, we ’ll have to 
know its name. 

Ira. I don’t see why. We ought to have some rights in 
choosing a name for our own infant. 

Dave. Sure we had. We don’t know how the promising 
youngster may turn out. Call it “ X ’ ’—that’s something 
like Josie had it. 

Roger. The very thing! X—the Unknown Quantity! 

Harvey. Certainly plenty of quantity, too. I ’ll bet it weighs 
two hundred pounds. 

Ira. And then some! 

Josie. Well fed, you see! 

Edith. Such a picture of health and strength! 

Mildred. And innocence! 

Harvey. We have indeed & problem to solve. How will our 
protege turn out ? Find the value of X! Come, who’s 
our mathematician ? 


30 


THE VALUE OF X 


Dave. Edith, where art thou? 

Edith [stepping to board]. Here! Let me see—we are eight. 
[Writes “8”.] 

Lawrence. Why not “8Y’s?” Aren’t we a wise eight, or 
eight wise—? 

Edith. Not to solve this! 8’s better. Eight complete units— 

Dave. That’s us. 

Edith [writing], 8-|-Y=what? 

Ira. One jolly lark! 

Edith. Then let 1 stand for lark. [ writes “8-\-X=ll.”] 

Roger. Make it a capital L, Edith, for we want our money’s 
worth. [Edith makes proper correction.] 

Edith. Now for the second equation. [Thinks a minute.] 
We are the Class of 19— 

All. We are! 

Edith. Therefore [ writes ] 19-X=8—1L. So here is the 

problem: 

8-f-X=lL 

19-X=8—1L 

Find the value of X. 

Lawrence. Some problem that! 

Josie. I see no end of sport for us. See its round, rosy 
cheeks, and its big blue eyes, so fresh and green and 
unsophisticated— 

Harvey. Who dares guess what its value to us may prove 
to be? 

Lawrence. A whole term of unadulterated sport! 

Edith. How we will improve it,—in size, and shape, and 
color! 

Mildred. And covering! For heaven’s sake, and all our 
sakes, don’t forget the clothes. 

Ira. It wears “duds,” Mildred. 

Harvey. What we will teach it! 

Roger. Even if teachers could n’t, out their way 1 


THE VALUE OF X 


31 


Dave. It needs fixing all right,—that’s no joke! But I 
rather think we ’re good for it. And we have a problem 
right to our hand,—X equals what ? 

Josie. I was afraid our Senior year was going to be miserably 
dull. But now, what fun it will be! Did you notice its 
gum? 

Ira. And its high-water trousers ? 

Mildred. And its red tie ? Ugh! 

Roger. And its jewelry ? 

Dave. I only hope Self and Haynes won’t get to quarreling 
over it! 

Harvey. Oh, we should worry! It may as well be over that 
as over any other thing! They will fight, you know! 
They can’t help it! It’s born in them! 

Josie. We ’ll adopt him—high-water trousers, gum, jewelry, 
hayseed, and all! 

Edith. He shall be our mascot! 

Mildred. Well, you may count me out! It may be what 
some of you call sport, but I consider myself above such 
uncultured behavior with such ignorant bores! 

Lawrence. But X is n’t a bore! X is a problem—the only 
real, live problem ever presented by a Freshman class! 

Harvey. Let’s go hunt him up ! ‘ * Prof. ’ ’ must be through 
with him by this time! [ Exeunt, L., laughing .] 

Enter Miss Irving. 

Miss Irving. Now, about this English—Oh, nobody here? 
Well, I ’ll write it on the board. [Turns to hoard, picks 
up chalk, sees equation.] No, I 2 d better not disturb 
Professor Schuyler’s work. It may be important. [Reads, 
silently.] But how peculiar! 

Enter Prof. Schuyler from Right. 

Miss Irving. I was just noticing your strange problem, pro¬ 
fessor. I am not much of a mathematician, but this 
looks— 


32 


THE VALUE OF X 


Prof. Schuyler. It’s not mine. I don’t understand—0 
well, I don’t think it amounts to anything! 

Enter Melchisedek, Center. Looks all around, as if fright¬ 
ened, hands in pockets. 

Prof. Schuyler.. Some of the students have been experiment¬ 
ing, I suppose! [Reads.] “Find the value of X.”-— 
humph! Rather a difficult thing to do, in that case, I 
should imagine, the value of L not being given. One 
could only express X in terms of L. You may erase it 
if you wish to use the space. [Discovers Melchisedek.] 
What is it, Melchisedek? 

Melchisedek [jumps at hearing his name]. Oh! Why, I— 
I—I guess I got in the wrong door! [Backs out, eyes 
and mouth wide open, trembling, as curtain falls.] 


curtain 


ACT II 


Scene : Senior Classroom. Desk at back, with dictionary on 
left of desk. Entrance back of desk, leading to hall. 
[Entrance Center.] 

After slight pause , Lawrence enters, Left, with Melchisedek 

by arm. 

Lawrence. You see, X— 

Melchisedek. But that ain’t my name! 

Lawrence. 0 yes, it is! 

Melchisedek. But— 

Lawrence. We’ve named you that, you know! 

Melchisedek. Who has? 

Lawrence. Why, we Seniors! 

Melchisedek [ looking all around room]. Seniors? Which? 
Where ? 

Lawrence. You see, we Ve taken a big liking to you, X, 
and so we Ve adopted you, and we Ve going to make you 
have just the best time this year you ever dreamed of. 
We couldn’t learn to pronounce that jaw-breaking name 
of yours in a billion years! 

Melchisedek. Slio, now, that’s dead easy! You just say— 

Lawrence. 0 no, we don’t! Not we! We say “X,” and we 
shall keep on saying “X” forever and forever. But you 
have n’t been around the school yet. Some place, eh ? 

Melchisedek. You bet! Everything’s so different from 
what— 

Lawrence. Of course! We knew it would be! That’s why 
we are all going to explain everything to you, and make 
things easy for you. 

Melchisedek. It’s mighty good of you all, you know! I’m 
blooming glad. And ma will be tickled to death to hear 
I Ve got so many good friends already. 

[ 33 ] 


34 


THE VALUE OF X 


Lawrence. Did n’t she tell us to take good care of you ? 

Melchisedek. Of course, but— 

Lawrence. Then, of course, we— 

Enter from Eight Dave, Harvey, Roger, Ira. 

Dave. Now, here’s our mascot! 

Melchisedek. Mascot? [Looks all around.] 

Roger. You ! 

Melchisedek [amazed]. Me! 

Harvey. Exactly! And now, listen! You’re a stranger 
here [Melchisedek nods]. You don’t know anybody? 
[Melchisedek shakes head.] Nobody'knows you but us! 
[Melchisedek shakes head.] Nobody must! Understand? 

Melchisedek [ uncertainly ]. I—guess—so! 

Dave. We want you for a “dark horse.” 

Melchisedek. Horse ? Me ? Is a mascot a horse ? 

Dave. No, no! But we want to keep you dark! 

Melchisedek. But I’m afraid of the dark! 

Ira. You don’t understand. We want you to be “under 
cover. ’ ’ 

Melchisedek. I like plenty of cover in the winter, but in 
summer-time I can’t have too much on the bed or else—• 

Ira. You don’t understand. We just want to keep you all 
to ourselves! 

Melchisedek. Oh! 

Ira. And so, when anybody,—except us, of course!—speaks 
to you, you just keep mum, no matter what they say, and 
just answer, “I am only a little Freshman. My name is 
X. I belong to the Senior Class.” Understand? 

Melchisedek [hesitatingly]. I—er—guess so! But I don’t 
like to speak pieces. 

Dave. But this is such a short one. Try it! [Prompts.] “I 
am only a little Freshman. ’ ’ 

Melchisedek [embarrassed]. “I am—a—only—little Fresh¬ 
man.” 

Dave. No !—‘ 1 only a little’’—* 1 1 am only a little Freshman.’’ 


THE VALUE OF X 


35 


Melchisedek. “I am only a little Freshman.” 

Dave [prompting]. “My name is X.” 

Melchisedek [eagerly]. Oh, is it yours, to6? 

Dave. No, no! Yours, not mine! I was just telling you 
what to say. 

Melchisedek. I see! 

Dave. Try it. 

Melchisedek. My name is X. 

Harvey. Good! Now, ‘ ‘ I belong to the Senior Class. ’ ’ 

Melchisedek. I belong to the Senior Class! 

Roger. 0 come now, say it proudly as if you were It. You 
are, you know! 

Melchisedek [straightening up]. Of course I am! But how 
am I going to remember? 

Lawrence [taking note-book from pocket]. I 11 write it 
down for you, so you 11 get it straight. [Writes.] 

Melchisedek [repeating by rote, to commit it to memory], 
“I am only a little Freshman,”—“I am only a little 
Freshman, ’ ’— 

Lawrence [tearing leaf from book, and handing it to Mel¬ 
chisedek]. Here! Now, put it in your pocket. We 
want to talk to you a little before class. 

Ira. Yes, we want to take you “into the bosom of the fam¬ 
ily, ’ ’ and reveal to you all the secrets of the class. 

Melchisedek. Secrets ? 

Harvey. Sure! Class skeletons, and— 

Melchisedek [frightened]. Skeletons? 

Roger. Yes. Listen, X. To begin with, we ’ve got a class 
pennant— 

Melchisedek. Pennant? What’s that? [Listens eagerly.] 

Lawrence. Banner! Sort of flag, you know—our class 
colors, and all that! 

Dave. But now, listen, X. The Juniors don’t know it. 

Harvey. And they must n’t! 

All. Never, never, never! 

Melchisedek. Why? Did you steal it? 


36 


THE VALUE OF X 


Dave. No, but they would!—if they knew we had it, or 
where it was kept. We trust you, you see, because you 
belong to us, and you ’re our mascot. 

Melchisedek. What’s a mascot ? 

Dave. Why, any animal— 

Melchisedek. Animal ? 

Lawrence. Or thing! 

Melchisedek. Thing ? 

Harvey. That brings good luck, you know. Sometimes it ’s 
one thing, sometimes another. With us, you We It! 

Melchisedek. Humph! 

Dave. And so we ’re going to give you a glimpse of the 
pennant. See? 

Melchisedek [looking all around for it]. No, I don’t see. 

Lawrence. But you will! [Going to desk, others follow¬ 
ing.] We’ve got it right— 

Roger. ’Sh!—’sh! Somebody’s coming! [All stare at en- 
tramce. 

Enter Edith, Josie, and Mildred, Left. 

Edith. Oh, here you are! We’ve been looking all over for 
you, X. 

Melchisedek. For me ? 

Josie. Who else? Dig out, boys! You ’re not in this at all. 

Dave. Just as you say! Come on, boys. [Starts R.] 

Lawrence. Well, I must hurry out and do some laboratory 
work, then. That chemistry is some sticker! [Removes 
coat and hangs up at L.] 

Edith. Look out for the fate of little Willie: 

“Little Willie took a drink, 

He lives to drink no more; 

For what he thought was H„0 
Was H 2 S0 4 ” 

Lawrence. I ’ll swear off drinking forevermore. [Exits L. 
Other boys exeunt 7?.] 


THE VALUE OF X 


37 


Josie. Now, X, we want to show you the libraries, and lab¬ 
oratories, and elevators, and locker-rooms, and audito¬ 
rium, and—and—all the sights, you know! We don’t 
want you to get lost around this building again where 
we won’t be able to find you when we want to use you. 

Melchisedek. Now, ain’t you kind? 

Edith. Kind? Why, no! 

Josie. Not so’s you could notice! 

Edith. We’ve adopted you, you know! You belong to us! 

Melchisedek. To you, or her [pointing to Josie] ? 

Josie. To all of us—our class! 

Melchisedek. Oh! “I am only a little Freshman. My 
name is X. I belong to the Senior Class. ’ ’ 

Edith. Good! You have it learned already. 

Josie. We can’t all be out of class at once, of course! We 
girls are graduating from the Domestic Science Course; 
all but Edith, who takes the Literary Course; Lawrence, 
the boy who took off his coat, is also graduating from the 
Literary Course. Harvey and Dave graduate from the 
Scientific Course, Roger from the English Course, and 
Ira from the Latin Course. 

Melchisedek. Mercy on me! What course will I graduate 
in? 

Josie. In the course of time, we hope! But come! We 
haven’t much time before the bell rings. We want to 
show you our new —[Starts to open desk.] — 

Enter Lenore, Right, with Mildred. Mildred joins girls. 

Edith. Pshaw! There’s that meddlesome Lenore! She ’ll 
surely catch on! 

Lenore [crosses to Melchisedek]. Who are you? 

Melchisedek. “I am only a little Freshman.’’ 

Lenore. Not so little as I’ve seen. What’s your name ? 

Melchisedek. ‘ ‘ My name is X. ” 

Lenore. XT What in the world did you get a name like that 
tacked on to you for? Where do you belong? 


38 


THE VALUE OF X 


Melchisedek. “I belong to the Senior Class.” 

Lenore. Why, how can you be a Freshman and belong to the 
Senior Class ? 

Melchisedek. Dunno! That ’s what they said. 

Lenore. Who said l 

Melchisedek [points to girls]. Them! 

Lenore. Edith and Josie? 

Melchisedek. Yes, and—the fellows, too! 

Lenore. The question in my mind is, are you a Freshman, 
or are you a Senior or what ? 

Melchisedek. What, I guess! [Lenore walks L. Josie 
walks down.] 

Josie. We had so much to tell you, X. We wanted to show 
you our new— 

Edith [nervously walking to her to prevent disclosure]. 
Don’t forget the class in geometry, Josie! Have you 
worked out all your problems? 

Josie. Geometry? Don’t mention it! I’ve forgotten the 
very definition of the word. Got your book? [Joins 
Edith. Edith gives her book, and whispers to her warn- 
ingly. They look covertly at Lenore.] 

Lenore [to Melchisedek]. Don’t let those Seniors make a 
fool of you, young man! They ’re chock full of tricks— 

'Melchisedek [with dignity]. “I belong to the Senior 
Class.” 

Josie. You bet you do, X, and we’ve got the swellest new— 
[Sits at desk.] 

Mildred [calls> with cough of warning]. Josie! 

Josie. Gymnasium, we’re going to let you use with us! 
[At desk, with book.] 

Mildred [relieved ]. Oh! 

Josie. You see, X, we ’re the whole cheese this year, and 
we’ve just bought— 


Mildred 

Edith 



[coughing, warningly ]. Ahem! 


THE VALUE OF X 


39 


Josie. The most beautiful statue of Venus for the Audi¬ 
torium. You must see it this very morning! [Mildred 
and Edith give long sigh of relief.] And on Class Day, 
we ’re going to hang our lovely new— 

Mildred [uneasily]. Josie, did you get the twenty-third? 

Josie [consulting book]. Not me! Nor the twentieth, nor 
the twenty-first, nor the twenty-second, nor the twenty- 
fourth, nor the twenty-fifth! 

Edith. Why, that’s all we had! 

Lenore [to Melchisedek] . Josie’s dying to tell you some¬ 
thing, kid, but the girls don’t want me to hear! A Senior 
secret, of course! 1 ’m not a fool, if I am only a Junior. 

I can climb on the table when I smell a mouse! I ’ll dig 
out and give ’em a chance! Bye-bye, little boy! 
[Waves hand airily.] Take good care of your cunning 
little pet, girls! [ Exits R.] 

Josie. Has she really gone? [Edith and Mildred go to en¬ 
trance and look out.] We are just crazy to tell you about 
our pennant, X. You really must see it. The Juniors 
don’t know we have it! 

Mildred. And they mustn’t! 

Girls [all]. Never, never, never! 

Melchisedek. Why ? 

Edith. They’d steal it! 

Melchisedek. Why ? 

Josie. Oh, it’s a part of the High School game! 

Melchisedek. Stealing is? Do they teach it? 

Mildred. Oh, no, no! But they like to get the best of us by 
taking our pennant away. It represents our honors and 
dignity, and standing, and all that sort of thing, and if 
they can get it, why— 

Josie. They’ve got our goat! 

Mildred. J osie! 

Josie. Well, it ’s true! 

Melchisedek. Where is it? 



40 


THE VALUE OF X 


Josie. We Ve got it right here in the desk. 

Melchisedek [amazed]. A goat—in that desk? 

Josie. No, no! The pennant! See?—in this bottom 
drawer! [Speaks very mysteriously, girls guarding en¬ 
trances.} And we keep the key down here in the little 
hollow under the dictionary stand. [Shows him.] See? 
[Takes it out] Nobody in all the school would think of 
looking there! [Takes key out and unlocks drawer.] 

Edith [while Josie is busy]. We tried letting one of the 
class keep the key, but somebody else was always sure to 
want it when the one who had it was miles away. Now 
we ’re going to make you Guardian of the Key! 

Melchisedek. How ? 

Mildred. Why, you must just look under the stand when¬ 
ever you come in, and see if it’s safe. That’s all! And 
if you ever find it gone— 

Melchisedek [scratching head]. But how could I find it, if 
it was gone? 

Mildred. I mean, if you ever see that it is gone, report to 
one of us at once. 

Melchisedek. But which one? [Looks from one to the 
other.] 

Mildred. Oh, it does n’t matter. Whichever you find first! 

Melchisedek. I see. “I am only a little Freshman.” 

Josie [taking pennant from desk and holding it up]. Here 
it is! 

Melchisedek [whistles]. Whew! 

Lenore [looks in at C. entrance]. Aha! I see! I knew some¬ 
thing was up, if I’d just give ’em time to bring it down! 
[Watches while Josie folds it carefully and replaces it, 
and is watching eagerly to see where key is placed when 
Edith walks toward C., and she disappears. Edith 
stands in entrance C. while Josie replaces key , Melchis¬ 
edek watching closely.] 


THE VALUE OF X 


41 


Josie. Now, X, you are in full possession of our choicest 
secret. Remember how we trust you. When we, in order 
to solve our problem, transposed X,— 

Melchisedek. Transposed me? 

Josie. Yes,—we transposed X from the Freshman side of the 
equation to the Senior side. 

Melchisedek. I don’t— 

Enter Ira, Left. 

Ira. Now, girls, it isn’t fair for you to monopolize X like 
this. I’ve been hanging around for an hour, waiting 
for a chance to show him the campus and gymnasium. 

Mildred. But we want to take him— 

Ira. You had your turn, I tell you. I’m next! We boys 
drew straws—* 

J osie. But you’d rather go with us, had n’t you, X ? 

Melchisedek [looking from one to the other, embarrassed]. 
Why-er—I—I— 

Ira. You’ d rather have a man put you next to things, 
hadn’t you, X? 

Melchisedek. Oh, but I—I—I don’t— 

Josie. You think you ’re smart, Ira Self, but— 

Ira. And you think because you ’re a girl that you— 

Josie. I ’ll have you understand, I’m Josie Stockbridge! 

Ira. And I ’ll have you understand that I’m— 

Enter Roger from Right. Steps down between them. 

Roger. What’s this ? Self in a fuss, and me not invited ? 
I won’t stand for that! [Turns to Melchisedek. 1 
Just in time to rescue you, eh, X? I’ve been wondering 
where you were. Want to show you— 

Ira. Now look here, Roger Haynes, this isn’t your butt-in! 
I came to take X for a look around the campus! You 
have no right— 


42 


THE VALUE OF X 


Roger. No right? Well, I like that! I’ll show you— 

Ira. I’m from Missouri! 

Roger [pulls off coat]. If you — [throws coat on floor behind 
him.] 

Ira [same business with coat]. I’m ready! I— 

Enter Dave, Bight. Steps between them. 

Dave. Again? [Boys hang heads.] What’s wrong this 
time, boys ? [Looks first at Roger.] 

Roger. N-nothing! [Dave turns to Ira.] 

Ira. N-nothing! 

Dave [turns to girls]. Strange how boys will act just like 
game roosters shut up together in a pen, for n-n-notliing! 

Josie. Well, that Ira Self thinks he owns this class! 

Edith. And the world with it, for good measure, with a nice 
little red fence around it! 

Josie. And Roger Haynes thinks he ’s just the whole 
cheese!—while he’s really one of the smallest skippers 
in it! 

Mildred. Yes, he really isn’t big enough to take up all the 
room on the point of a No. 10 needle. 

Edith. He’s just about the tenth part of the size of a grain 
of mustard seed! 

Josie. An ordinary mortal couldn’t see either of them at all 
without the most powerful microscope! 

Dave. Now you’ve got your measure, boys. Ears burn ? 

Ira. Just what I always said about Haynes! 

Roger. Not half as strong as I’ve always known about Self! 

Ira. Haynes! [Threateningly.] 

Roger. Self! [Threateningly.] 

Dave [soothingly]. There, there, boys! Put on your coats 
and be decent! 

[Boys pick up coats sheepishly.] 

Mildred. What obedient little boys! 

Edith. And how well you have them trained, Dave! 


THE VALUE OF X 


43 


Josie. That’s Senior gymnastics, X. You see what you ’re 
in for four years from now! 

Enter Harvey, Left , Lawrence, Bight. 

Harvey. I’m looking for X. 

Lawrence. So am I! 

Harvey. I want to show him the school! 

Lawrence. So do I. 

Harvey. Well, we can’t all show it to him at the same time, 
unless we form a body guard and escort him with all the 
pomposity and grandeur of the most distinguished 
visitor. 

Josie [ taking X by arm}. [He dodges and looks frightened.] 
Ladies first, if you please! 

Dave. All right. Oh, boys? [Boys nod.] Take him along, 
girls. Be careful of him, and don’t break, bruise, or soil 
him! 

Josie. Thanks, awfully! We ’ll be responsible for the wear 
and tear! Come, X! 

[Boys step back courteously , as girls lead X out L.] 

Harvey. Got it solved, boys ? 

Roger. Not yet! I’m not sure it’s going to amount to any¬ 
thing ! I’m wondering if it’s worth the effort! 

Ira. Did n’t think you’d stick to it very long, Haynes! 

Roger. Now, see here, Self, I— 

Ira. And look this way, Haynes, I— 

Harvey. War’s declared off, boys. Run up a flag of truce! 
[Steps between them.] Well, I’m off to my Latin! Let 
the girls wrestle with the algebra! If you fellows can 
come along, and keep your hands off each other— 

[Exeunt all , but Dave, R.] 

Dave. Well, I must work, if the value of X is never satis¬ 
factorily demonstrated. These geometry problems are 
stickers! No idle hours for me. [Sits desk , ivorks 
silently for some time.] 


44 


THE VALUE OF X 


Enter Prof. Schuyler, Right. 

Prof. Schuyler. I’m looking for— Oh, there yon are, Far¬ 
rington ! Have you time now to go over those electrical 
experiments f 

Dave. As well now as any time, Professor, so long as they 
must be done! I’ve just finished my problems—and— 
[Gathers up books, etc. In haste, drops problems under 
Lawrence’s coat.] 

Prof. Schuyler. I have a free hour, and— 

Dave. It ’s jolly kind of you. [Exeunt Prof. Schuyler and 
Dave, L .] 

Enter Mdlle. Fleurette and Melchisedek, Center. 

Mdlle. Fleurette. But your name,—it is,—what? 

Melchisedek. “I am only a little Freshman. My name 

is X.” 

Mdlle. Fleurette. And you are belonging — 

Melchisedek. “I belong to the Senior Class.” Ma wants 
me to study French, but I can’t—somehow—see— 

Mdlle. Fleurette [puzzled]. Oui? 

Melchisedek. You mean, you and me? [Points to each.] 

Mdlle. Fleurette. Non, non! I mean — [nods “yes” very 
emphatically.] 

Melchisedek [puzzled]. Spell it. 

Mdlle. Fleurette [very slowly]. O-u-i. 

Melchisedek. Oh! [Points to her, and then to himself.] 
You—and I! Well, that’s just what I said! 

Mdlle. Fleurette. Non, non! I mean,—how you speak,— 
[nods head emphatically.] 

Melchisedek. How d’ye do? 

Mdlle. Fleurette [nods again]. Non, non! To say, it is 
true! 

Melchisedek. Oh! You mean, yes! 

Mdlle. Fleurette. Oui!—er—yes, yes—that’s what I 
mean! It’s so—not hard—for you to say! For me-— 


THE VALUE OF X 


45 


this English— [looks at watch] —it is, of the watch, ten. 
I must off to the class of me, to teach the boys to the 
French. Comprenez vous? [Bows herself out C. X 
watches her curiously.] 

Melchisedek. I don’t want to learn no French stuff, if it 
makes me chatter and bob like a monkey! [Examines 
hooks on desk.] My! what a nice new book this is! I 
like to read books with pretty covers. Al-ge-bray! 
Pretty name, too, if a fellow ever found out anything 
about what it means! [Reads.] “Ax-i-om. ” Now, 
what in the world is that? Something to cut with, of 
course! [Sits.] “Two things equal to the same thing 
must be equal to each other.” [Thinks.] Then if a cat 
is an animal, and a dog is an animal, the cat must equal 
the dog. But it don’t—in a fight! No, by jingo, it 
don’t! 


Enter Lenore, Left. 

Lenore. Here’s my chance to pick the spring chicken! 
[Walks toward Melchisedek.] Wonder where the Sen¬ 
iors are! Thought they always did their studying in this 
room. I wanted to ask them—Oh, just lots of questions! 
Say, kid, tell me the honest truth now—aren’t you a 
Senior ? 

Melchisedek. Me? I—I—I don’t think so. “I belong to 
the Senior Class.” 

Lenore. Then you must be a Senior. 

Melchisedek. What is a Senior, anyway ? 

Lenore. Oh, it’s a swell-headed, strutting, own-the-school 
boy or girl, who has been here four years and studied so 
hard that it’s turned the brain. 

Melchisedek. No, I haint none! 

Lenore. Guess not, by your grammar! But what are you ? 

Melchisedek. Why, I’m a—a—what did they say ? A 
mascot! 


46 


THE VALUE OF X 


Lenore. Why, there isn’t any such class! 

Melchisedek. Oh, yes there is. I ’in it! I belong to a lot 
o’ nice kids! Dandy lookers, and no end good to a 
fellow! 

Lenore. But what’s your classroom? Don’t you know? 

Melchisedek. I don’t know much. “I am only a little 
Freshman. ’ ’ 

Lenore. Freshman ? Humph! What’s your name ? 

Melchisedek. “My name is X.” 

Lenore. 0 come now, kid. Quit your joshing! What ’s 
your real one ? 

Melchisedek. Melchisedek Green! 

Lenore [ sarcastically ]. Is that all ? 

Melchisedek. I told you there was an “ X ” to it somewhere 
since I come to this here school; hut I don’t know where 
they stick it in, yet. 

Lenore. Where you from? 

Melchisedek. Home! 

Lenore. Where ’s “home?” 

Melchisedek. The farm! 

Lenore. What farm? 

Melchisedek. Pa’s! 

Lenore. Humph! Who’s Pa ? 

Melchisedek. Hezekiah Green. 

Lenore. Gemima! 

Melchisedek. No, —Hezekiah! 

Lenore. [Hunts around desk. He eyes her suspiciously.] 
Did the Seniors tell you where they keep their key? 

Melchisedek. What key? 

Lenore. The desk key, of course, where they keep that pen¬ 
nant! They needn’t think we Juniors are all asleep. 

Melchisedek. You can’t find it. They keep it well hid. 

Lenore. You mean they think they do. 

Melchisedek. [Rises, uneasily walking around.] 0 no, they 
do! Why, they showed me— 


THE VALUE OF X 


47 


Lenore [eagerly]. Yon? What? When? [Grabs him by 
arm to make him tell.] 

Melchisedek [catching himself]. Why,—er—everything! 
All over the school! There’s snags of places to hide 
keys! Why, they showed me a gymnasium that— 

Lenore. And the pennant, of course! 

Melchisedek [uneasily]. What pennant? 

Lenore. Innocence! 

Melchisedek. What innocence? They didn’t show me no 
innocence! [Lenore walks to L.] Did she find it? [Is 
startled, and goes to desk to look under stand for key. 
Lenore looks back over shoulder and sees him. He sees 
her looking, and comes down, hands in pockets. She goes 
up to desk. He follows. She comes down. He follows. 
Continue this, ad lib., bringing out the determination on 
her part to get the key, and an equal determination on his 
to foil her. She finally pauses beside Lawrence’s coat, 
and picks up Dave’s paper.] What’s this? Geometry! 
Neat work that! Must have dropped out of this coat. 
[Puts it in pocket of coat. Then turns to Melchisedek.] 
You ’re a nice little boy, all right, if you wasn’t so 
green. 

Melchisedek. Why, I ain’t green. 

Lenore. Oh, ain’t you? 

Melchisedek. No, sir, I ain’t! We ’re white folks, same as 
you. Green is just my name—the end one! Melchis¬ 
edek ’s my front name. 

Lenore. I see! And X equals what ? 

Melchisedek. Dunno yet! [Reads from book.] “Two 
things equal to the same thing must be equal to each 
other.” Then if a boy’s a Senior, and a girl’s a Senior, 
a boy must be equal to a girl— 

Lenore. Not on your life, kid. Guess some more! 

Enter Edith, Lawrence, Roger, Ira, Harvey, Left. 

Edith. 0 here you are again, X. We thought we’d lost you! 


48 


THE VALUE OF X 


Lawrence. Been weeping briny tears, as we called through 
the halls: 

All [in concert]. Boy lost! Boy lost! 

Hair red, and eyes crossed! 

Singular number—Male sex— 

Answers to the name of ‘ ‘ X.’ ’ 

Pigeon-toed—fresh and green— 

Return to Class 19—. 

Lenore. Dear me! but you are the wise bunch! 

Harvey. Certainly, Lenore! 

Lawrence. Wise is right. Prove it by logic. Listen! 
Major Premise: All Seniors are wise! 

Minor Premise: We eight are Seniors! 

Conclusion: Therefore: We eight are wise! [Goes 
and puts on coat.] 

Lenore. ’T is n’t safe to argue from false premises. [Fol¬ 
lows Lawrence] Was that your coat? 

Lawrence. Bought and paid for. 

Lenore. I put— 

Roger [shaking Melchisedek by hand] . And here you were 
safe and sound all the time! 

[Lawrence and Lenore join the group. She watches for 
a chance to tell Lawrence abaut paper. Opens 
mouth and tries to speak after each speech , but some¬ 
body cuts in. This must be made very pronounced.] 
Harvey. Hadn’t we ought to pay him the reward? [Mel- 
chisedek steps forward eagerly.] 

Ira. Nix on it! Make him pay us! Think of the wear and 
tear on our feelings. [Melchisedek steps back with long 
sigh of disappointment.] 

Lenore [nudges Lawrence]. Say, I put a paper— 
Lawrence [not noticing her]. Shall we sue him for dam¬ 
ages? [Melchisedek holds up hands in fright and 
horror.] 

Lenore [nudges Lawrence]. Listen! I picked up— 


THE VALUE OF X 


49 


Enter Josie, Left, with open letter. 

Josie. Oh, see here! The richest thing! A letter to our 
class! 

Lenore. Humph! No use! I ’ll sneak. [Exit L.] 

Josie. Listen! [Beads] “Dear young men and women: 
You are the big boys and girls of this school, and I know 
you will take good care of my dear little Melchisedek. ’ ’ 

Melchisedek [stepping forward, grinning with delight]. 
Ma! 

Josie. Don’t interrupt, X. That’s rude. [Reads] “He 
hain’t never be ’n away from his ma before in all his life, 
and I’m powerfully feared he may get sick or hurt, or 
something at that big school. Can’t you fasten him with 
a long cow-rope, or something, so he won’t get lost run- 
nin’ round the yard? I used to do that ways when he 
was littler, so he could n’t get outside the door-yard. Be 
sure he always puts on his rubbers and takes along his 
umberell when it looks like rain; and when it gits cold, 
make him wrap up his neck good and warm. And don’t 
let him learn to smoke them cigarettes. They say it’s 
mighty bad for the brain. You girls must all be step¬ 
mothers to the poor boy. I never had but one in all the 
world. I put my little darling in your care. Yours, 
respectively, Samantha Green.” 

Melchisedek. I just knew it was ma! [Has listened with 
mouth and eyes wide open, showing the greatest delight.] 

Harvey. Well, we ’re doing our best with the Infant. Ain’t 
we, X? 

Melchisedek. I—I—I guess so. You ’re all just awfully 
good for me—I mean, to me ! 

Edith. That’s because we like you! 

Roger. Well, where are we all going to? 

Mildred. Dear me, Roger! Have n’t you been told time and 
time and time and again that a preposition is a very poor 
word to end sentences with ? 



50 


THE VALUE OF X 


Roger. Yes. Haven’t you? 

Edith. I’ve got something more to show you, X. 
Melchisedek. Oh, have you? Now, ain’t that kind? [Exit 
Edith, L., Melchisedek following.] 

Enter Dave, hurriedly, searching pockets. 

Dave. I don’t suppose any of you have seen a stray paper of 
mine anywhere around ? I don’t remember putting it in 
my pocket, but it is n’t in any of my books, and— 
Harvey. What was it, Dave ? 

Dave. My geometry problems* 

All. What ? 

Ira. Not the last ten? 

Dave. Exactly. 

Roger. Whew! How’d you get them? 

Dave. Dug! 

Josie. Must have gone pretty deep! 

Harvey. And now they ’re gone! 

Josie. But you ’ll find ’em. 

Dave. Where ? 

Ira. Or you ’ll do ’em over. 

Dave. How ? 

Harvey. Dig! 

Dave. When ? 

Mildred. That’s so! We ’re supposed to hand them in— 
Harvey. To-day! That’s so. 

Lawrence. Now, isn’t that tough luck? By George, Dave, 
I ’m sony! [Lays hand on Dave’s shoulder.] 

Ira. Time for class, everybody! [Exeunt all hut Dave, in 
confusion.] 

Dave. If I only— [searches desk.] 

Enter Lenore, Center. 

Lenore. Lost something? [Dave nods.] What? 

Dave. A geometry paper—problems—that’s all! 


THE VALUE OF X 


51 


Lenore. Geometry? [Aside] I thought it was the key! 
Here’s my chance! [Aloud] Let me help you! [Both 
search. Lenore manages to get key, and pockets it. Sud¬ 
denly remembers paper she found, and stands up, excit¬ 
edly.] Say, did you say it was problems? I ’ll bet I 
know who’s got it! 

Dave. Nobody ’s got it. It’s just lost! 

Lenore. Somebody has got it! It’s stolen. 

Dave [stopping suddenly and facing her]. What? 

Lenore. That boy—let me see, what’s his name ? He hung 
his coat— [points to place where coat hung.] 

Dave. Not Lawrence Leonard! 

Lenore. Ye*s, that’s the boy. He’s got it. He dropped it 
out of his pocket. I saw it. 

Dave. But how—? Oh, it can’t be! 

Lenore. Maybe it can’t! But it is. 

Dave. But see here! I’d rather lose a dozen papers than 
think that of Lawrence. Why, he ’s— 

Lenore. The one that’s got it! 

Dave. He wouldn’t — 

Lenore. He has! Ask him. 

Dave. Never! 

Lenore. Well, that’s up to you! [Exits C.] 

Dave [walking to front]. No, indeed, never! 

Enter Prof. Schuyler, Left. 

Prof. Schuyler. What ’s the matter, Dave ? 

Dave [embarrassed]. Nothing! [Turns and searches floor 
in confusion.] 

Prof. Schuyler [staring at him]. What? 

Dave. I mean—everything! 

Prof. Schuyler. Had n’t you better tell me— 

Dave [straightening up] . I’ve lost my geometry problems— 
the last ten. 

Prof. Schuyler. Well, now, that’s bad. Where did you 
lose them? 


52 


THE VALUE OF X 


Dave. Why, here, I guess! You remember I finished work¬ 
ing them just before we went to the laboratory. I must 
have dropped them out of my tablet— 

Prof. Schuyler. They ’ll probably turn up ! 

Dave [dubiously], I hope so! 

Prof. Schuyler. You don’t think— 

Dave [quickly]. What? 

Prof. Schuyler. Anybody has— 

Dave [emphatically]. No! [Exits 72.] 

Prof. Schuyler. The boy acts peculiar. I wonder if he 
doesn’t suspect— 

Enter Lenore, Center. 

Lenore. Professor Schuyler, I think I know who has Dave 
Farrington’s geometry problems. 

Prof. Schuyler [whirling to face her]. What? Who? 

Lenore. Lawrence Leonard. 

Prof. Schuyler. It can’t be! 

Lenore. But I saw— [hesitates.] 

Prof. Schuyler. What ? 

Lenore. Saw where they had dropped out of his pocket! 

Prof. Schuyler [amazed]. What? Are you— 

Lenore. Sure! 

Prof. Schuyler. Ask Lawrence to come to me—at once! 
[Exit Lenore, C.] I must investigate this. I can not, 
will not, believe it! But, still, if she really saw— 

Enter Lawrence, Eight. 

Lawrence. Did you want to see me, professor? 

Prof. Schuyler. Yes, Lawrence, listen! I ’ll come right to 
the point. Dave Farrington has lost his geometry paper 
—the last ten problems— 

Lawrence. Yes, he was telling us about it. Isn’t it tough, 
right here the last— 

Prof. Schuyler. Yes, yes, but wait! A certain student has 
told me positively that you have those problems— 


THE VALUE OF X 


53 


Lawrence [astounded]. I? Why, I couldn’t work— 

Prof. Schuyler. Dave’s paper! 

Lawrence. What? Who dares— 

Prof. Schuyler. In your pocket! 

Lawrence. Why, who in the world could say such a thing of 
me? I never even saw it. [Begins to unload pockets, 
piling up trash of every sort on desk. At last, takes out 
paper, and opens it.\ What’s this? Geometry, as I 
live! Dave’s writing, too! [Hands it to Prof. Schuyler 
with dazed air.] 

Prof. Schuyler. Thank you, Lawrence. But this grieves 
me— 

Lawrence. Professor Schuyler, I swear that I never saw that 
paper till this very minute! 

Prof. Schuyler. I wish I could believe you, Lawrence, but 
the evidence— 

Enter Melchisedek, Left, listens with interest. 

Lawrence. Hang the evidence! 

Prof. Schuyler. Lawrence! 

Lawrence. But I don’t care a blip for the evidence. 
Have n’t you always taught us that a straight line is the 
shortest distance between two points? I am an honest 
boy, Professor Schuyler, from an honest family,—and 
I’m taking that straight line. If I pass, I ’ll pass fair. 

Prof. Schuyler. I must say I like the ring of that, Law¬ 
rence. Let us go and find Dave. This matter must be 
sifted to the bottom. [Exit Prof. Schuyler and Law¬ 
rence, C .] 

Melchisedek. Pretty big talk! Loud words! Wonder 
what’s up? Well, it ain’t getting my lessons, anyway! 
“A straight line is the shortest distance between two 
points.” Wonder what he meant by that! “A straight 
line.” “Two points.” [Goes to board.] One point, 
Freshman Class. [Makes big dot.] Second point, Grad- 


54 


THE VALUE OF X 


uating. [Makes another big dot, with much flourish of 
crayon.] Straight line from here to there. [Draws 
straight line between dots, then stands back and surveys 
result.] Can I make it? I ’ll sure try! 

Enter Josie, on run, Left. 

Josie. Oh, X! X! Have you heard— 

Melchisedek [turns to face her]. What? 

Josie. We’re all in the worst mix-up! Lawrence took 
Dave’s problems. He says he didn’t, and Dave says he 
didn’t, but he had them in his pocket, and he won’t say 
how they got there,—and the professor saw him with 
them, and—0 dear! dear! Dave’s all broke up. Law¬ 
rence is all broke up! Professor’s all broke up! and 
we ’re all—all broke up ! 

Melchisedek [turning pockets inside out]. I’m broke, too! 

Josie [going up to desk]. I ’m going to get out the pennant 
and take— [kneels to get key] Oh, X, —the key! 

Melchisedek [hurrying up to her]. What? 

Josie [rising and pointing to place sternly]. Gone! 

Melchisedek [kneeling over to see for himself]. What? 

Josie [accusingly]. Oh, X! When we trusted you! 

Enter Edith and Mildred, Eight, Harvey, Roger, Ira, and 
Dave, Left. 

Josie [walking to center of stage]. Boys! girls ! The key is— 

All [in great excitement]. What? 

Josie. Gone! 

Edith. Gone ? What can we do ? 

Mildred. We ’ll just have to — 

All. Eliminate X! 

Melchisedek drops head, and walks to center of stage 
slowly and sadly, while Class points fingers at him, 
all looking very scornful, as curtain falls. 


CURTAIN 


ACT III 

Scene : Same as Act II 

Mildred and Edith in chairs, near center stage, Josie behind 
looking over their shoulders. They have fashion plates, 
and are very interested in studying the styles. 

Josie. Oh, there’s a peach! 

Mildred. Isn’t this a darling? 

Josie. Tum over, Edith. There ’s a swell thing on the next 
page of yours. There! is n’t that great ? 

Edith. Oh, it’s rather pretty, but see here! How do you 
like this? 

Josie. 0 mercy, Edith! Not for you! 

Edith. Now why not? Made of chiffon, with plenty of real 
lace to edge the flounces, and—maybe a sash of— 

Mildred. But you ’re so short and dumpy, Edith. It takes 
a tall, slender girl to carry that sort of thing. 

Josie [mischievously]. Now, Mildred would look too per¬ 
fectly lovely for anything in it! 

Mildred [complacently] , I think so, myself! [Takes mirror 
from pocket and surveys reflection with satisfaction. 
Brushes speck of powder from nose, arranges hair, etc.] 

Edith. Well, there’s nothing like having a good big opinion 
of one’s own charms. 

Enter Mdlle. Fleurette, Bight. 

Mdlle. Fleurette. Making the to-be-graduated frocks so 
soon ? Am I de trop f 

Mildred [jumping up and offering her chair. Edith also 
rises]. Oh, no, indeed, mademoiselle. On the contrary, 
you can help us very much. 

Mdlle. Fleurette [s£#s]. What is the material.going for to 
become ? 


[55] 



56 


THE VALUE OF X 


Josie. Whatever is the swellest thing, of course! 

Mdlle. Fleurette [puzzled] . Swell-est? You mean, swelled 
out beeg—so? [Pantomimes as for hoop-skirts.] 

Edith [sitting beside her } Mildred and Josie behind]. No, 
no! “ Swell ’ ’ means stylish— a la mode, chic, you know ! 

Mdlle. Fleurette. Oh!—I see! I must make the note! 
[Writes in note-book.] This English is all the time such 
a funniness! 

Josie. What would you advise, mademoiselle? 

Mdlle. Fleurette. In Paree, the crepe de chine, made—so 
full—with ruffly skirts, and lacy, you know—here—with 
tiny slippers, big buckles, maybe diamond settings—are 
the good thing for the debutante. You pay—oh, too 
much moneys—to the frock! 

Edith [ruefully]. We pay too much here, too, when we have 
it! We ’re broke all the time! 

Mdlle. Fleurette. Broke? You mean, you lace yourselves? 
[Pantomimes around waist.] 

Josie. No, no! She means “without money.” 

Mdlle. Fleurette. “Broke”—“without money,”—now, 
that is strange! I must write it. [Writes note-book.] 
“Broke—without money.” [Pause.] The horse is 
broke, when it goes fast. The glass is broke when it is 
cracked. The man is broke when he is without money! 

Edith. It is the same principle, you see, mademoiselle. When 
we get cracked, we go fast, and then, we are very soon 
without money. 

Mdlle. Fleurette [eagerly]. Oh,—oui, oui! Now, I see! 
It is all—after all—so simple— n’est-ce-pas? 

Josie. All simple, when you see through it! 

Mdlle. Fleurette [thoughtfully]. The professor — he says, 
his back, it is almost broke, too. It is not fast; it is not 
without money; it must be cracked. N’est-ce-pas? Pie 
is suffering—oh, too much—with the—how you pro- 


THE VALUE OF X 


57 


nounce the —[looks note-book, turns pages, finds word, 
reads:} b-a-c — k-a-c — h-e ?—is it bacca -she, or bacca -shay? 
[In spelling this, emphasize the “b” and “k” very 
strongly, dividing the word into syllables after each 
“c” so as to completely mystify the listener.] 

Mildred. Why, I suppose it must be hacQa-shay. I never 
heard the word before. 

Edith. Nor I! May I see it? [Mademoiselle shows note¬ 
book.] Why, that’s just plain, everyday backache! 

SST | l to 9 ether ]- The idea! 

Josie. 0 mademoiselle! Won’t you teach us to dance? 

Edith. We want to dance as you do in France! 

Enter Melchisedek from Center , watches and listens. 

Mdlle. Fleurette [rising and pantomiming]. You point 
your toe; [Girls all imitate, holding skirts at sides as she 
does, etc. Melchisedek pantomimes behind] you count 
one, two, three; you hesitate; and step—one, two, three— 
bow, and back up—one, two, three [backs into desk]. 
Oh! It is—what ? 

Edith. 0 mademoiselle, did you hurt you? 

Josie. This is too small a room to back up in. 

Mildred. Do let’s go to the auditorium and learn just how 
to do it! [Grabs Mdlle. Fleurette around waist, and 
hurries her out R., Edith and Josie following.] 

Melchisedek [advancing into center of stage]. You point 
your toe,—so,—you count one, two, three; you hesitate; 
then step one, two, three; then bow, and back, one, two, 
three,— [Holds trousers at sides, and pantomimes , 
ludicrously, finally backing out at C.] 

Enter Lenore, Right. 

Lenore. Now, if I can just — [Walks to desk, tries key in 
top drawer.] 


58 


THE VALUE OF X 


Enter Melchisedek, Center. 

Melchisedek. Looking for something ? 

Lenore [jumping up]. No! 

Melchisedek, ’Scuse me! I jest thought you acted like 
you was. 

[Continues to eye her, while pretending to practice dance 
steps, till she exits L. Draw this scene out according 
to skill and will of the producer. Lenore should 
not leave until Class is heard singing out R. Then 
she flounces indignantly to L. entrance, and turns to 
face Melchisedek angrily, shaking fist at him.] 
Lenore. I ’ll get even with you yet, you nosey greenhorn! 
Melchisedek. I hope you will ! It ’s what I ’m planning 
on—getting even! 

[Exit Lenore, L. Class—except Dave and Lawrence— 
enter at R., singing Class Song. Melchisedek waits 
till all are on stage, then follows Lenore.] 

CLASS SONG 

[Air: “Tenting on the Old Camp-Ground”] 

We’ve been sitting to-night on the old school-ground, 
Talking of days gone by, 

Of the dear, dear old class, that so soon must pass, 

And forever say good-bye! 

Hopeful are the hearts of the Seniors to-night, 

Hopeful for what life may bring; 

Hopeful are we all that our lives be bright, 

So we bravely laugh and sing: 

Hopeful to-night, hopeful to-night, 

Sitting on the old school-ground! 

We’ve been dreaming to-night on the old school-ground, 
Dreaming of days to be, 

Of the bright, bright ideal we would all make real, 

And the joys we hope to see; 


THE VALUE OF X 


59 


Happy are the hearts of the Seniors to-night, 

Happy over tasks well done; 

Happy are our hearts and our spirits bright, 

For a prize that’s nearly won! 

Happy to-night, happy to-night, 

Happy on the old school-ground! 

We’ve been wandering to-night o’er the old school-ground, 
Tears filling every eye, 

For we knew ’t was the last and ’t would soon be past, 
When our lips had breathed ‘ ‘ Good-bye! ’ ’ 

Heavy are the hearts of the Seniors to-night, 

Soon with the big world to blend; 

Heavy are the hearts, once so gladsome and light, 

0 ’er joys so soon to end! 

Parting to-night, parting to-night, 

Parting on the old school-ground! 

Mildred. Somebody was out of tune! 

All [stepping forward and pointing to self]. Me? 

Mildred. 0 how do I know who is who, and which is which 
and whatever ? I only spoke collectively! 

Harvey. Treats us like a bunch of cattle, boys. Shall we 
stand for it? 

Mildred. You can sit down, if you prefer. 

Harvey. Humph! [All find seats.] 

Roger. I thought we did a ripping job at reeling it off! 
Mildred. Well, it seems to me you might uphold the dignity 
of the class by expressing your sentiments in a more ele¬ 
gant and refined manner. The coarseness of this class— 
especially the male portion of it—is certainly appalling! 
Ira [taking out pocket dictionary]. “Appalling”—what’s 
that ? How do you spell it, Mildred ? 

Roger. Oh, Mildred’s got a grouch! 

Mildred. Some more of your Senior culture! And now this 
scandal— 


60 


THE VALUE OF X 


•Josie. Yes, isn’t it dreadful? And Dave won’t come to 
class because he’s too miserable, and Lawrence won’t 
come because he’s too— 

Ira. Guilty! 

All. No! 

Josie. Not guilty, of course! But he thinks we think he 
thinks—0, I don’t know what he thinks, or we think, or 
anybody else thinks—our key is gone, too—and X proved 
a traitor— 

Roger. Well, it served us right! We should have known 
better! 

Harvey. Anyway, we found his true value in short order! 

Edith. I only hope the pennant’s safe yet! If we guard 
the desk— 

All. We must! 

Mildred. But with Dave and Lawrence in this muddle! 

Edith. 11 0 what a tangled web we weave 

When first we know not what to believe! ’ ’ 

Josie. It’s so hard to think X deliberately gave us away! 

Edith. But did he ? 

Harvey. Why, of course! You girls would take him into 
your confidence. What else could you expect of one so 
raw and— 

Mildred. I always knew we’d be sorry for taking him up 
and making such a fool of him. 

Edith. But maybe he didn’t— 

Roger. Nonsense! How else could the key— 

Enter Mrs. Green, Left. Carries huge old-fashioned satchel. 

Mrs. Green. Where’s the boss of this school ? 

Mildred [rising]. You mean— 

Mrs. Green. I mean, the head teacher—the perfesser. 

Josie [going to her and shaking hands]. Why, it’s Mrs. 
Green. 

Mrs. Green. Now you’ve struck it, miss. I want to find 
my Melchisedek! [Drops satchel.] 


THE VALUE OF X 


61 


Enter Melchisedek, Left. 

Melchisedek. Hello, ma! 

Mrs. Green. There’s my boy now. Bless his little feet! 
[Melchisedek sticks out very big foot.] Ma’s awful 
glad to see you, Melchisedek! [Embraces him fervently, 
and gives loud smack before releasing him.] Now, tell 
me what they ’re learnin ’ you while I open my little grip 
and get out all the nice things ma’s brung you! [Opens 
grip, kneeling on floor.] 

Melchisedek [watching her eagerly]. 0 ma! everybody’s so 
good to me! And I belong to all these nice boys and 
girls, and they ’re learning me everything they know, 
and a lot they don’t know, and I’m having a dandy time! 

Mrs. Green [still busy with satchel]. That’s good! Be ye 
learnin’ much? Here’s a cooky! 

Melchisedek [eating cooky loudly]. Lots! 

Mrs. Green. I knit ye some new socks! See! [Holds up 
bright red ones.] 

Melchisedek [taking them, and holding them up, gazing at 
them admiringly]. Gee! ain’t them great! 

Mrs. Green [taking out very gaudy, peculiar-patterned quilt]. 
And I brung along another quilt. I was ’fraid you might 
not have enough kivers at your boarding place. Be ye 
gittin’ enough to eat? [Hands him sack of cookies, which 
he passes around to class during next few speeches, and 
all eat.] 

Melchisedek. Oh, yes, ma! Everybody stuffs me—stomach 
and head! 

Mrs. Green. Well, now, ain’t that nice? And be these here 
boys and gals takin ’ good care o ’ you ? 

Melchisedek. You just bet they be, ma. They ’re the nicest 
kids— 

Mrs. Green [taking out an assortment of gaudy ties]. I 
brung the boys some new ties—see! I knowed they’d like 
some nice, pretty, bright ones, same as you do. I brung 


62 


THE VALUE OE X 


one for the teacher, too—the perfesser! Poor feller! 
He ain’t to blame ’cause he don’t look no brighter. See, 
this is his! It’s the brightest of the bunch. This is 
yours, young man— [hands one to Roger]. 

Roger [bowing low with mock gratitude]. 0 thanks! 

Mrs. Green [hands one to Ira]. And this is you’rn! 

Ira [with low bow]. Many, many thanks! Your kindness 
shall never be forgotten. 

J osie. Something new for them to quarrel about! 

Mrs. Green [to Ira]. Now, that’s mighty nice and perlite 
o’ you! Wish I’d brung ye two of ’em. But I’m coming 
reel often while my little boy’s here. [To Harvey] This 
one’s yourn! 

Harvey. The thought of this tie will follow me, sleeping or 
waking. It will haunt my thoughts by day, and my 
dreams by night! 

Mrs. Green. Mercy on me! What perlite young fellers ye 
be! Now ain ’t you fine ? I brung two more,—did n ’t you 
write me there was five boys, Melchisedek ? 

Melchisedek. Two of ’em ain’t here, ma. They ’re—out! 

Mrs. Green. Out where ? 

Melchisedek. I don’t know! Just—out! 

Mrs. Green. Now, ain’t that a shame? When will they 
be in? 

Melchisedek. I don’t know! They ’re sort o ’ knocked out— 

Mrs. Green. Who knocked ’em? Not you, Melchisedek? 

Melchisedek. No, ma! 

Mrs. Green. Well, I ’ll give theirs to the perfesser and he 
can give ’em to ’em when they do come in. [Looks girls 
over critically, looking disappointed.] Pshaw, now, don’t 
you girls wear hair ribbons ? I always wore hair ribbons 
when I was a little girl, and I didn’t notice you didn’t 
wear ’em. Maybe it’s jest ’cause ye ain’t got none. Any¬ 
how, I brung ye some reel nice bright ones. Can’t ye use 
’em for collars or belts, or— 

Josie. 0 certainly, Mrs. Green. For both at once! 


THE VALUE OF X 


63 


Mrs. Green. Wall now, can you? Ain’t that nice? [Dis¬ 
tributes bright ribbons.] You don’t seem so tickled as 
the boys did, somehow! Maybe ’t ain’t your way! 

Josie. No, ’t ain’t our way! 

Mrs. Green. I ’ve got some gum for you, too. [Passes pack¬ 
ages around. Each takes a stick.] Take two, Melchise- 
dek! [He does so.] Ye ain’t be’n smokin’ cigarettes, 
have you, Melchisedek ? 

Melchisedek. No, ma! 

Mrs. Green. I don’t want you never should. They ’re bad 
for the brain, ain’t they, young men ? 

Harvey. No, madam, they aren’t. 

Mrs. Green [whirling, to face him] . What ’s that, young 
feller? Don’t they hurt the brain? 

Harvey. No, madam, they don’t. 

Mrs. Green. Wal, now, that’s news to me! I’d like to 
know why. Here I’ve been telling Melchisedek ever 
since the day he was born that they was bad for the 
brain. Why ain’t they ? 

Harvey. Because the boys who’ve got brains don’t smoke 
them. 

Mrs. Green. Then my Melchisedek ain’t in no danger! Ma’s 
boy won’t never, never smoke none, will he? 

Melchisedek. Didn’t I say no? [Straightens up proudly, 
and struts across stage.] I’m a man! [Stands up beside 
her, stretching on tiptoe.] Hain’t I growed, ma? 

Mrs. Green [takes immense pie from satchel]. I’ve got a 
pie here I’m going to take to the perfesser, if some o’ 
you boys and girls will show me the way to go. I seem 
to fergit where his room is! 

Ira [winking at classmates]. We ’ll all go. Come on! [Mo¬ 
tions for them.] 

Harvey. Yes, let’s show the lady we know the proper way 
to treat distinguished guests. [Offers arm.] Take my 
arm, madam! 

Mrs. Green [staring at him]. Mercy! Is it loose? 





64 


THE VALUE OF X 


Harvey. No, no! Just put your hand— 

Mrs. Green. Oh, I see! Hook on to you, you mean? [Takes 
his arm.] Now, ain’t this nice? Good-bye, Melchisedek. 
Be a good boy! 

[Exeunt all hut Melchisedek and Mildred.] 

Melchisedek. Good-bye, ma! Gee! but you folks are good 
to me ’n ma! 

Mildred. Mean ma,*! Is your—er—ma—er—naturally mean? 

Melchisedek. My ma mean? What do you mean? 

Mildred. I mean—0 nothing! The whole affair is very dis¬ 
tasteful to me. 

Melchisedek. Dis-taste-ful? My ma? 

Mildred. Well, no,—not her, in particular. Just—every¬ 
thing ! 

Melchisedek. You mean me! Don’t I taste good to you? 

Mildred. Don’t you—what? This is certainly too much! 

Melchisedek. Too much taste ? 

Mildred. Oh, no, no! But, say, can you explain how that 
key disappeared? 

Melchisedek [with crestfallen air]. No, I can’tl I only 
wish I could! 

Mildred. But nobody but you knew— 

Melchisedek. That’s the dickens of it! I went to look, 
and—there it was! Just a minute more, Josie went to 
look, and—there it was n’t! It beats me! But I’m going 
to find it! 

Mildred. Easier said than done! 

Melchisedek. And you’d better bet I’m keeping watch o’ 
that desk! Nobody’ll get a chance to unlock it unless 
they catch this chicken asleep! 

Mildred. It ’s certainly too bad. With Dave and Lawrence 
in trouble— 

Melchisedek. Yes, Miss,—what’s the matter with them two 
boys? 


THE VALUE OF X 


65 


Mildred. Such grammar! 

Melchisedek. Oh, I know! But, say, I’m not so green as I 
look and act and talk most o ’ the time. I ’ve swallowed my 
Eighth Grade grammar, preface, appendix, covers, and 
all, but it has n’t had sufficient time to digest! But I’m 
deeply concerned about those boys. I like them both, and 
there’s something that isn’t just square in this affair. I 
want the truth of it! 

Mildred. [Has stared at him in amazement during speech.] 
You take my breath! 

Melchisedek. You can’t always size up even a Freshman by 
his clothes—and his relatives, Miss Mildred! Now, tell 
me about the boys! 

Mildred. Well, it is certainly a strange affair. It wouldn’t 
be honorable for me to discuss class matters with outside 
students—underclassmen—but— 

Melchisedek [resuming old manner and country dialect with 
broad smile] . Ain’t I your mascot? 

Mildred. Well, there isn’t much actually known about it, 
anyway. Dave lost his geometry paper. A short time 
afterward it was found in Lawrence’s pocket. Dave 
doesn’t know where he lost it. Lawrence doesn’t know 
where he found it. That’s all there is to it—so far as 
any one has found out. 

Melchisedek. Queer! 

Mildred. Very! 

Melchisedek [after thoughtful pause]. Lawrence never 
took it! 

Mildred. Who did? 

Melchisedek. To be sure, that’s the question. I don’t 
know! Don’t care! It’s none of my business! But 
I’m ready to lick the hull bloomin’ school if they dare 
say Lawrence Leonard’s the guilty guy! So there! 
[Goes to desk.] 

Mildred [laughing in spite of herself]. X, you ’re a bigger 
problem than ever! [Exit R.] 




66 


THE VALUE OF X 


Enter Roger and Ira, Eight. 

Roger. I tell yon Lawrence never— 

Ira. And I say he must— 

Roger. I claim you don’t know— 

Ira. And I claim you don’t— 

Roger. But I won’t— 

Ira. And I can’t— 

Roger. And you sha’n’t— 

Ira. And you shall— 

[Boys gradually work down to front. Melchisedek 
walks down behind them, and at this point steps 
between them.] 

Melchisedek. Boys, listen to me. 

Boys [ disgusted ]. Humph! 

Melchisedek. I want to tell you something about the key! 
Boys [eagerly]. The key? 

Melchisedek. Yes, I’m sure that Junior girl has got it! 
Roger. Which one? 

Melchisedek. Why, she has black eyes, black hair, red rib¬ 
bons—red dress—asks forty questions in a minute— 

Ira. Lenore! 

Melchisedek. That’s her! Now, if you fellows will watch 
the desk, she’s sure to come to open it. I’ve driven her 
off once or twice already. Just lay low, somewhere around 
here, and you’ve got her! See ? 

Roger. You bet! Say, X, you ’re a trump! 

Melchisedek. Another thing, boys, listen. [Takes each by 
arm.] In one of them big books on the desk, it says, “Two 
things equal to the same thing must be equal to each 
other. ’ ’ 

Ira. But what’s that got to do with— 

Melchisedek. Wait! If Roger is a Senior, and Ira is a 
Senior, mustn’t Roger be equal to Ira, and Ira be equal 
to Roger, and— 


THE VALUE OF X 


67 


Roger. I get your point, X. See you later! Let ’s go get 
excused from class, Self, till we get this key business 
settled! 

Ira. Sure! [Shakes hands with Melchisedek.] Thank you, 
X. Just hang around here, and keep your eyes open till 
we get back. 

[Exeunt Ira and Roger, C.] 

Melchisedek [at desk, studying ]. “A straight line is the 
shortest distance between two points.” There ’s Dave— 
he’s one point; here’s Lawrence—he’s a second point. 
[7s ivriting on paper.] There’s the line! [Thinks.] 
There sure ought to be some straight string to pull them 
boys out o’ this knot! Think hard, Melchisedek Green, 
think hard! Get some brain-move in your cranium! Let 
me see! Where have I seen a paper? Oh, I remember! 
[Jumps up.] That girl—same girl, too, plague take her! 
—picked it up off the floor, right over here [walks to 
place] and put it in that coat pocket—the coat hung here! 
Yes, sir! I remember. Now that’s two! [Holds up two 
fingers.] Lawrence never even touched it. But the paper 
is, of course, found in his coat pocket, and—also, of 
course—he gets blamed for it. That’s two more! [Holds 
up another two fingers.] Put two and two together, and 
you get— [counts fingers] one, two, three, four! It’s as 
easy as counting your own fingers! Oh, I must write a 
note to tell Dave just how it was right away. [Goes to 
desk to write note.] “Dear Dave: Lawrence Leonard 
never touched your paper. I know how it got in his 
pocket. I ’ll tell you all about it when I can get a 
chance. Where can I meet you ? I must confess”—Con¬ 
fess? That isn’t just the right word to use. [Scratches 
head.] It isn’t just what I mean, but I reckon it ’ll have 
to go. No time for consulting dictionaries now! I ’ll 
just sign it “X” and— 

Mrs. Green [out G. Calls]. Melchisedek! 


68 


THE VALUE OF X 


Melchisedek. Gee! There’s ma! [Jumps up.] Here I be, 
ma! 


Enter Roger and Ira, Left. 

Roger, It ’s all right, X. We got off. 

Ira. Sh ! She’s coming! Run along, X ! [Exit Melchise¬ 
dek, C.] Let’s just hide out here,—you on that side, I 
on this! [They hide out G.—one on each side of 
entrance.] 

Enter Lenore, Right. 

Lenore. At last! I thought that meddlesome Freshie was 
going to hang around here all day! For butting in to 
what does n’t concern him, that kid takes the cake! But 
his ma’s got him now, and I hope she ’ll rock him safely 
to sleep till I get that pennant! My, what a triumph for 
us Juniors! The first time in six years that a Junior class 
has succeeded in swiping the Senior rag! Now to get my 
hands on it before— [Has been busy at desk while talk¬ 
ing, now goes to unlock drawer.] If I just knew which 
drawer— 

Enter Roger and Ira, Center. One on each side of her. 

Roger [lays hand on shoulder]. The key, please, Lenore! 

Lenore [screams and jumps up]. What do you mean, Roger 
Haynes ? 

Ira [lays hand on other shoidder]. Our key, you know! 
Better hand it over, and save yourself, and your class— 

Lenore. [Looks from one to another in exasperation and con¬ 
fusion. They eye her determinedly. Dramatic pause. 
Then she throws key on desk.] There! take your precious 
key, and hang it around your dear little baby Freshman’s 
neck! 

Ira ) 

Roger ( [together, bowing low]. Thank you! 


THE VALUE OF X 


69 


Lenore [at R. entrance, bowing mockingly ]. Don’t mention 
it! The pleasure is all mine! But look out you don’t 
lose it in your sleep! [ Laughs mockingly, and exits, R.] 

Ira [holds out hand]. Shake, Haynes! Classmates like you 
and I should be— 

Roger [taking his hand heartily]. Friends forever! I always 
said you were a bully fine fellow! 

Ira. And I always said you were the best all-around boy in 
this class! 

Roger. We can thank X for this—as well as the key! 
[Pockets key.] 

Ira. Let’s go tell him so! [Exeunt Roger and Ira, L., arm 
in arm.] 

Enter Prof. Schuyler and Miss Irving, Center. 

Miss Irving. Are you sure Lawrence took the paper, Pro¬ 
fessor ? 

Prof. Schuyler. I’m sure of nothing, except that he had it 
in his pocket! 

Miss Irving. How it got there — 

Prof. Schuyler. Is a mystery! [Picks up Melchisedek’s 
note.] Here’s a paper— 

Miss Irving [eagerly]. Can it be— 

Prof. Schuyler [reads]. “Dear Dave: Lawrence Leonard 
never touched your paper. I know how it got in his 
pocket. I ’ll tell you all about it when I get a chance. 
Where can I meet you? I must confess.’’ Signed “X.” 

Miss Irving. Dear me! Who can it be ? X! Who’s X ? 
[Takes note from Prof. Schuyler.] 

Prof. Schuyler. I’ve no idea. We must find X, and the 
mystery is solved! Let us take this to Dave, and see what 
light he may be able to— 

Enter Dave, Right. 

Prof. Schuyler. Come in, Dave. We were just going to 
look for you. 


70 


THE VALUE OF X 


Dave. Anything new ? 

Miss Irving. A clew, we think. Read this! [ Hands note to 

Dave.] 

Dave [reads silently, they watching him anxiously ]. X! 

Why, how could he— 

Prof. Schuyler. Who is X? 

Dave. Melchisedek Green! 

Miss Irving. What ? Why, he’s only a Freshman. 

Prof. Schuyler. He wouldn’t know a geometry paper from 
a Latin translation. 

Miss Irving. Certainly not! 

Prof. Schuyler. Then that eliminates X from the problem! 
Dave. Yes, that cancels X. Still, the boy— 

Prof. Schuyler. He says “confess”— 

Dave. What could he have to confess? 

Miss Irving. There’s some mystery — 

Enter Melchisedek, between Roger and Ira, arm in arm, 

Left. 

Melchisedek. Why, I ’d be ashamed of the pesky old school, 
if I thought— 

Ira. You ’re right, X, and Roger and I can never thank you 
enough for this, can we, old fellow? [Ira and Roger 
shake hands.] 

Enter Josie, Edith, Mildred, Harvey, Eight. 

Josie [points to Roger and Ira] . A miracle! 

Mildred. It took X to solve the problem we’ve been wrestling 
with for four years. At last— 

Roger. Ira and I are— 

Ira. Pals! [ Throws arm over Roger’s shoulder.] 

Harvey. Satisfactorily demonstrated, Q. E. D. 

Roger. And here’s the key, Josie. 

All. The key! The key! 

Josie. But where— 


THE VALUE OF X 


71 


Ira. X put us next to the scheme, and we caught the culprit 
red-handed! 

Josie. Who did ? 

Roger. Ira and I. 

Edith. Good for you! 

Ira. And X! 

Roger. Don’t forget X! It was all his doings! 

[Josie goes to desk to open it, Girls with her. She sits, 
they stand behind her.] 

Enter Lawrence, Left. 

Dave. But, X, this note! Come in, Lawrence. 

Melchisedek. That note! Gee whillikens! I thought I’d 
lost that tarnal thing! You see, Dave, you lost that paper 
right over here! 

Dave [eagerly]. Yes. 

Melchisedek. Lawrence’s coat hung right above it— up here! 

Lawrence [eagerly]. Yes! 

Melchisedek. Along comes a girl— 

All [eagerly]. Who? 

Melchisedek. Well—er—none of this class—nor mine! She 
sees the paper on the floor and says she to herself, ‘ ‘ That 
paper has dropped out o’ that coat!” See? 

All [eagerly]. Yes! 

Melchisedek. Well, she picks it up and stuffs it in the 
pocket, thinking she’s doing somebody a good turn. See ? 
The paper is yours. The coat’s Lawrence’s. See? You 
don’t know. Lawrence don’t know! But I saw it all 
with my two eyes—and when it all had time to get 
through my thick head what the blooming row was all 
about, I remembered and— 

Dave [slapping him on back]. Found the value of X! 

Melchisedek [innocently]. X stands for “10” on pa’s 
watch! 


72 


THE VALUE OF X 


Lawrence [shaking hands with him]. X stands for 100 in 
our class. I can’t ever thank you— 

Melchisedek. Should hope not! ’T ain’t fair! <£ A straight 
line is the shortest distance between two points.” Here 
was you—one point! Here was Dave,—another point! 
I had to draw the line straight, didn’t I, when I knew 
how? 

Roger. But it took two straight lines to make an X,— one 
line between Ira and me!—you drew that line with the 
key. The other line between Lawrence and Dave— you 
drew that with the paper. When you crossed them— 
there was X. 

Melchisedek. Maybe so! Maybe so! I didn’t want to be 
crossed out! 

All. Never! 

Josie [coming down, with pennant on cane]. X saved the 
pennant! He shall be our standard bearer! [Handing 
pennant to him, which he lifts high.] 

All. Hurrah for X! [At sides of stage, leaving X in center 
of ring.] 

Harvey. X is It! 

Mrs. Green steps in entrance at Center. 

Mrs. Green. Melchisedek! [He turns.] Come and kiss me 
good-bye! 

Melchisedek. Yes, ma. [Backs toward C., with pennant, as 
curtain falls.] 


curtain 


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